How being a Social Media Influencer is slowly destroying my life....

 I was born in the 90's.  I grew up with cassette players and VHS tapes.  I remember when portable CD players were cool and having the best stereo system made you the best house to hangout at.  Cingular Wireless (you guys remember them) was my first real cell phone.  A razr flip phone that you had to text off the keypad; going on the mobile internet was unheard of as the price per minute was outrageous and MySpace was still cool.  I grew up where kids played outside and learned cursive, where people communicated through their mouths instead of the keyboard and where bullies were still picking on kids on the playground and lunchroom instead of being ruthless keyboard warriors.

Yes, this is me, Senior year
in high school. Class of 2010.

Its amazing that in the past few decades how fast and intense technology has increased and developed.  In today's world you no longer find paper job applications, interviews are done first through Skype or Zoom call, phones are now a necessity and social platforms are now involved in almost every aspect of our life.  I still write in cursive, did you know that almost 70% of people I meet cannot even read it (and I do not write sloppy). Can you imagine that, geez how times have changed.

Ahh Social Platforms..Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vsco, Tumbler, Reddit..etc, etc. I can go on.  There are so many social platforms now it gets overwhelming.  My first social platform ever was Myspace.  In fact you can probably still find it on the World Wide Web.  I just lost my email and password for that platform and it fizzled out as quickly as it was started.  Moving along the timeline of platforms the up and coming one while I was in high school.  In 2009 I started my first platform on Facebook that I actually monitored regularly.  At that time I was a cross country runner in high school that connected with my friends and updated my status' with stupid song lyrics and movie quotes.   As I progressed in my fitness journey, a friend of my suggested Instagram.  It was an up and coming platform and I started documenting my fitness journey , low and behold I found other people who also were on their own journeys and then I had others begin to message me about how inspiring and motivating I was to them...It was a breath of fresh air to myself, struggling with my eating disorder, body dysmorphia and low self-esteem the Gram gave me that instant gratification of my 100 followers that started following my bodybuilding journey.

As I progressed in my bodybuilding journey, my followers started to increase.  Along with the followers , I started getting companies reaching out to me about becoming brand ambassadors for them.  So for a few years I did that , showcased my journey, repped out some companies, got paid in products and slowly watched my following increase.  What I didnt realize is that the more likes and comments I got on my platform, the more trolls and negativity I would experience as well.  In a previous blog post I touch a lot on the Social Media Trolls. Click here if you want to read that article as well.    So going back a bit on the likes and gratification of the audience of Instagram, I began to notice my self esteem grew, my confidence grew in myself and my hobby as a bodybuilder was so widely accepted on this new platform that I felt like I could express myself and began to really show my audience why I could compete and stand my ground in this new hobby of mine.  However, with all new things there is also a downside.  

The more I competed and got my name out there, the more followers I gained.  I didnt train for showcasing myself or to brag about my strength, I genuinely enjoyed training and focusing on my next move.  It was my entire life. My second job, hobby and de-stressor all in one.  I got some amazing partnerships and Sponsorships with Titan Nutrition, BYOH Apparel, Magic Spoon Cereal, Built Bar, just to name a few.  These are the companies I am still repping and extremely loyal to.  With these new business ventures I actually could make some income off of my platforms and this was a huge eye opener for me.  I could promote my favorite products, showcase to my audience how I used certain products on a day to day basis and still was enjoying the process.   But now my followers were up to almost 50,000.  50,000 people were interested in my day to day life, my family, my husband, my training, my job, the vulnerability is real.  I began getting more hate messages and trolls spamming my page about how disgusting female bodybuilders are.  For every 25 positive comments, 1 negative would completely destroy my self esteem for the day.  The fact is NOT everyone will like you.  YOU can never please everyone and people will hate you just because ... unfortunately it is how the world works.  For hours and sometimes days I would allow the negative comments to infiltrate my entire mind and day, ruining my mood , my focus and there were even some times where I didn't want to train because the comments made me hate my body so bad afterwards.  I started noticing a pattern of my moods and my obsession with my social platforms began to grow.  I would refresh my page every 5 mins just so I could quickly delete a  hateful comment or creep on one of the Instagram Models that I was so envious of.  

Then I had a child, my view on social media platforms began to change.  I became a Mom, I didnt want others to see pictures of my daughter.  The paranoia set in and  I changed my Facebook to private, all my pictures of my family and daughter could now only be seen by my family and close friends. I revamped my Instagram account to pictures solely focused on training and products and stopped showcasing my family and husband.  The trolling got really bad.   I kept posting my daily motivational pics. Went through my entire post pregnancy process and my show prep during quarantine, posting everyday. Followers surpassed 100,000.  More than 100,000 people were following my journey, some copying my training in hopes to achieve a look, the strength or the motivation that I had hit. Then I hit my offseason ... Struggling myself to keep a lean and healthy offseason after a 9 month depletion for photoshoots and shows.  The body that everyone wants but has no fucking idea...I repeat...  NO FUCKING IDEA how hard it is to maintain it.  As you come onto your offseason, you see others 4-5 weeks out from their shows and you start hating yourself, doubts pile in, negativity envelopes you and it is a hot mess.  It is the process that every one of us competitors face, the horrific but necessary process of filling out and putting on fat... Males tend to enjoy this process a lot more than us females.  

During my first few days into offseason I happened to jump onto my phone setting and do an app usage breakdown of the amount of time I spend on my Social Media Platforms. Facebook was about 20mins per day...okay nothing crazy.   Instagram was over 2  hours.  2 hours of useless scrolling, liking and creeping on other people to determine my worth.  I felt like a failure.  A pit dropped in my stomach, I was wasting more than two hours of my day in the virtual world of Instagram while my daughter was learning to read.  While my husband was trying to spend time with me.  While I was passing up precious moments of my life...for What?  For fans and followers that I have never met.  Now do not get me wrong I absolutely appreciate all of you who follow my journey the support has been unreal and it is amazing to log onto a platform and give me the motivation and drive to keep on what I am doing .  Onseason and offseason the support has been unreal. 

The reported photo.

Then it happened....I had just gotten back all my pictures from a recent photoshoot I had done in Vegas.  Ready to slowly let them trickle out onto the social media world.  So on days I felt fat and gross I could post my lean and muscular body to keep my audience interested in me.  I posted a picture of me in a teal bikini, abs looking all tight and slightly wetted down with water.  Perfect picture to post for a mid-week Instagram pick me up.  I posted the picture and went about my morning routine.  Casually getting quick notifications on my phone.  Then the notifications stopped.   I knew...something was off.  I clicked on my Instagram app and there it was a message "Your Instagram Account has Violated Community Standards for Nudity and Pornography, Your account has been deleted" .  I thought it was a joke.  I quickly tried to log in to any other device, I couldnt get into my account.  I logged into my daughters private instagram account and searched for myself.  "Username not found, " I texted my husband and had him try to find me ...he couldnt. It was completely gone.  104k followers, over 3000+ images documenting my bodybuilding journey as well all deleted into the background of the web.  I was devastated to say the least.  I immediately reached out to my IT guy and he talked me through the process of requesting an appeal through Instagram but it would take some time.  I didnt eat for 2 days, I didnt train , I filed appeal after appeal to Instagram , probably 37 appeals to be exact. I felt petty as fuck. I really did. I cared so much about this, it was eating me up inside. 

Then I started getting text messages from my friends asking what happened to my account.  Then my sponsors started..."What happened to your page? Where is your audience?",  A few threatened to drop me if I didn't figure it out.  Let me say a quick note, Instagram has given me a good amount of financial freedom for my family, with social platforms and networking it has allowed me to have a good backnet of income so If I ever lost my daily job , we would be fine. Gaining over 100k followers is an accomplishment for many influencers, it means when you sell something, state something or vocalize an opinion about something, it can have positive or negative affects on yourself as well as the brands and companies you represent. I was certainly worried about losing the audience, recognition and financial backbone, that was the biggest stressor I was worried about.  I quickly made a new Instagram account, in the meantime and reached out to any big time influencers that I knew requesting shout outs and help.  It grew to about 2000 followers during the weekend but everyday I filed another appeal.  Then something happened, Saturday morning I woke up and my anxiety and stress were gone.  It was pointless to check my Social Platforms as there were basically non-existent and guess what else...No trolls. The negative comments had stopped.  I spent my entire day with my family and watched my daughter explore new things. 

In the back of my head I started to accept this new transition of less screen time and more family time.  I was already happier.  My hair hadn't been washed in 3 days and my eyebrows looked like a character out of Sesame Street but damn my anxiety was slowly trickling away.  " I would find a new net for additional income, I'll pick up extra clients, Ill make it work". I started repeating that mini mantra to myself.  I didn't want my daughter to have a mother who was more concerned with her likes and gratification from strangers, I didn't want my daughter to grow up with that kind of exposure. 4 days later with my new Instagram starting to get recognition, I decided to jump onto the Twitter platform and see what the hype was all about.  Quickly I discovered an entirely new platform, uncensored, more rogue but a lot of fun. It was quick to post something and go about your day.  Honestly, I am still trying to figure it out but to me its fun, no obsession from it. So I started doing a daily tweet with Twitter, kept focusing on my offseason and slowly kept trying to figure out a way to keep my sponsors, followers and everyone happy while I still needed to try and get access to my old platform. Then Monday morning I got an email from Instagram "We apologize for our mistake, your account was deleted accidently, click the link below to reactivate..."  , I immediately felt a wave of relief again.  Click the link and Alleluia , my account was there, all my pictures were there, all my followers were there ..A huge weight was lifted but then anxiety set in again...like immediately.  

I started stressing about what to say to my followers, what/how should I explain what happened. Then is dawned on me.  I could do this, Social Platforms are just a little snippet into our everyday life.  Let me reiterate, a picture that we want you to see. I posted a quick post updating others on what happened to my platform.  Let all my sponosrs know I was back and yes, I did keep my backup account in case this happens again. 

A picture I never posted because
everytime I post a pic in these glasses
trolls make fun of me. 

  Some influencers go through lengths to shows their bodies at a perfect angle with all lines in tact, all muscles showing perfectly through the light, hair and makeup looking like it was just done, but telling others you "woke up like this"... filtered through 80 lenses so you look sort of human meshed with an anime character.  But the reality is, we are all humans, with jobs and lives and families.  What you see , is what we want you to see.  You dont see the 3-4 hours we spend a day at the gym during contest prep or the self-pity we push onto ourselves when we miss out on another family gathering because we chose this lifestyle.  You dont see the 17,000 pictures in our phones that we dont want to post because we look fat, or the way we pinch our skin when we are criticizing our bodies in the mirror.  Its a lifestyle full of pressure, self-criticism and doubt...many attempt it and fail and eventually we all become old washed up bodybuilders.  But its a lifestyle that I cant explain, I absolutey love every minute of it. I know it seems petty to some and that's okay but its my life and my decision. 

 But overall this experience was a great teaching lesson for me.  It made me realize what is important and how precious time truly is.  How some of us are so fixated with making virtual friends we bypass the friendships we have right in front of us.  We spend time with our families with our phones in our hands, but we need to put the phones down and live in the present.  Moving ahead I still enjoy and love being an influencer but I also love being a mom and having a family and my group of friends.  I love making memories without having to document each moment through a post.  As technology advances our entire presence of being a human is slowly being destroyed.  Some people do not even know how to carry on a converation in person anymore, the days of handwriting thank you notes are not quickly being send through a text or email.  Nostalgia is not dead unless we truly make it dead.  I refuse to make it dead.  

I spend this week coloring with my daughter, reading and rereading her favorite books, watching Halloween movies and making cards for the family.  I trained in the gym with my trainer, did my quick social posts on my platform and went about my day.  My time spent on my platforms has dropped from  mins a day to around 8 mins a day.  I feel clearer and less anxious.  Social media will never go away, it will get worse as the world grows smarter through technology but if we start watching our behaviors now and teaching generations below us now how to be a decent human the world definitely will look brighter in the future.

Be kind to each other. At the end of the day, neither of us is better than the other. We are all just trying to get by in life.  We all end up dead in the end. 

Shannon 

What's Up With Me? Did I leave the War Room...What is My Plan?

  

So for those of you who have followed me from the start, you know that since 2015 I have been working with Bill Tocco of War Room Nutrition.  I met Bill through a mutual friend who referred me to him as my previous coach just stopped helping me.  Overtime Bills tactics literally transformed my physique.  I have known Bill longer than my husband and leaned on him during times when my family and friends were not so supportive of my journey. He made me fall in love with the sport of bodybuilding, the intense training, the meticulous diet and the lifestyle of it all.  No one can ever take that from him.  He made me who I am today.  The physique and body you idol is made from his expertise.  He has been one of the most important men in my life for quite sometime, so you can see that the decision to leave Bill was not easy.  

2015>2018 Physique Changes from Bill

Before Bill Vs 2 years in with Bill

He is an extremely knowledgeable coach, he pushes you, he sees potential when you don't and he is a great motivator.  He is continuously educating himself and ensuring that he is up to date on the new supplements, training methods, etc.  However in the sport of bodybuilding each coach adapts their own style and methods, after 5 years of continuously transforming and progressing my body is not responding as best as it used to. 

 There are many contributing factors to say the least,

- I am now a mom, my hormones, body composition, etc are different.

        - I dieted for 9 months ( all during quarantine) which is an extremely long time

        - I did not have access to my normal exercise equipment as I normally would

        - I was not able to train with Bill weekly as I normally would have

        - My shows got pushed back 6x

So as you can see there were many factors leading up to the stage that were against me.  For a coach to continually try and keep your body stage ready , unknowing when exactly I was going to step on stage was an accomplishment in itself.  Bill did an amazing job.  

If you are still reading this and waiting for me to bash Bill or say something negative, just stop reading it wont happen.  

I still have a relationship with Bill.  He is still one of my very near and dear friends and I still will train with him.  He is an amazing person with a panel of knowledge and is still very supportive of me.  I still consider myself part of the War Room and it is always apart of me.  It has made me who I am today and will continue to as I grow in this bodybuilding journey. 

Me, Bill and Tommy Stiles after NPC Central States 2017

So what am I doing now..

Because I dieted down for so long, I now am working on building and putting on the size I lost during this years prep.  I hired the help of a Nelson Jones, a coach I have admired and followed for years.  He is currently coaching one of my best friends and after discussions with my husband and Nelson.  We feel that it is the best fit for  me for recovery.  My body needs a bit of change and revamp, staying on the same program for so long starts to plateau changes to the body.

My goal for the remainder of the year is to get healthy again and gain some weight and muscle.  Continue to monitor my progress and depending on how my body adjusts potentially step on stage late, late next year.  However, only time will tell.  The best mindset I can have at the moment is to constantly remind myself that the stage will always be there, but I also need to be in the present moment for my family as well. 

Stay Healthy xx, 

Shannon 

For those interested in working with Bill Tocco please visit:

https://www.instagram.com/warroomnutrition/

What the Fu$# is up with Fit- Shaming lately? - Oh and my post pregnancy diet is in here for you too

Fat-Shaming 

noun

noun: fat-shaming

1. the action or practice of humiliating someone judged to be fat or overweight by making mocking or critical comments about their size.

   "the star endured fat shaming and cyberbullying for the weight she gained while pregnant"

adjective

adjective: fat-shaming

1. expressing mockery or criticism about someone judged to be fat or overweight.

   "she refuses to resort to extreme dieting because of fat-shaming bullies"

Fit- Shaming:  

Claiming that people who are active, healthy and God forbid have the slightest care about their physical appearance are terrible, shallow people. This makes it more acceptable to eat cake all day and never see the light of day or walk anywhere. This practice of shaming was made up by the larger members of society who have less self esteem and try to make it look out of the norm to be fit and healthy. This kind of practice makes it seem more normal for someone to be on a scooter at age 30 with no joint problems compared to someone who regular goes to the gym.

Kelly: You eat too healthy and are way to active! Your so shallow!

Pete: No, your just fit shaming me so you feel better about your body...

We live in a world where our confidence is smashed before we graduate high school.  We question our life decisions, how we dress, our career choices and even who we marry in order to fit in with society.  

Happiness is scarce and the world (in my opinion) is becoming a cold and uniform place that makes individuals feel like they always need more than what they have.  Competition and comparisons take place daily in this world and the more individuals compare themselves to each other the worse they feel.  I do it, you do it.  If you say you don't, I call bullshit.  Its human nature to compare each other.  In fact as I stated in my previous blog, I spend thousands of dollars a year prepping and competing in shows that in the end, is just a comparison of the next individual.  However, as comparing is human nature, the real question is, "What do we gain by comparing"? "What do we gain by putting others down"?

I have been blatantly open about my constant struggle with fitting into a society that seems to deem females with muscles - freaks, gross,etc. Now being a mom I witness an entirely new culture of mom shaming and what is the right way to be a perfect Mom.

 After giving birth to my daughter,  who is now almost 16 months old today (my goodness!), the wrath of hatred began again. I was told I took steroids to get back into shape quickly,  I was selfish to care about myself more than my daughter and I didnt know how to just let your body go back to how it was in 1 year and to take my time and "relax".

1 month post vs 1 year post

 Honestly the truth of how I got back into shape so quickly is I fucking wanted it. I wanted to prove that even Mom's can get back into shape , you have to prioritize yourself first. Here is my thoughts on being a bit selfish.  In order to be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, you have to find happiness and contentment with yourself first.   So for everyone who thinks its not possible, it 100% is.  That may mean waking up early to get a workout in or hitting your workout after work when you really just want to go home and have a glass of wine.  Trust me though, the better you feel about yourself the more you radiate that energy out towards other people (unless you just enjoy being a bitch, then I guess that is on you).  I enjoy being fit, I enjoy keeping my body muscular, in fact many of you probably don't know this but its my FUCKING JOB.  Being a fitness model and social media influencer for fitness you have to stay in shape, you cant sell if you don't look the part - that comes with every job. 

This was my post pregnancy diet/routine that I followed everyday

WAKE UP

60 mins of fasted cardio 

Meal 1

6 egg whites with mixed vegetables and 2 whole eggs 

OR 

1 scoop of whey isolate with 1 tbsp. of natural peanut butter

Meal 2

1 scoop of whey isolate with 1 tbsp. of natural peanut butter

Meal 3

5oz chicken and 1/2c of rice or 2 slices of ezkiel bread

sometimes I would have spinach with walden farms 0 cal dressing too

Meal 4

1 scoop of whey isolate with 1 tbsp. of natural peanut butter

Meal 5

5 oz salmon or fatty meat source 

1/2c of rice

side salad with walden farms 0 cal dressings

***IF I was still hungry I would have a quest protein bar, powercrunch bar or carrots and peanut butter***

SUPPLEMENTS for post pregnancy

- ENLITE from TITAN NUTRITION - weight loss aid and appetite suppressant 

- WHEY ISOLATE PROTEIN from TITAN NUTRITION

- Primorose evening oil 1300mg 2x daily 

- Fish Oil 1000mg 2x daily

- TITAN NUTRITION MULTI VITAMIN 1x daily

ALL of my readers can get a 20% discount from any of the Titan Nutrition Products by clicking here and using discount code SHANNON at checkout. 

I did this consistently directly after my daughters birth , I also allowed myself 1-2 cheat meals a week depending on my progress.   Remember this...1 bad day will not ruin your body, just like 1 good day of eating wont make you slimmer or healthier.  Consistency, day in and day out, patience as well as a little positivity can go a long way.  

You have to be selfish and spend time by yourself to rediscover yourself and take time to de-stress.  This entire covid-19 shit has made 2020 a shit show for the bodybuilding world of competing.  My show(s)  were postponed a total of 6 times.  The prep was long, brutal and hard.  9 months of dieting was extremely hard on my body.  I placed 2nd at my National Qualifier and 3rd at my national show. 

3rd place

2nd place

Although I am disappointed I am very happy that I was able to get on stage this year, however I definitely am enjoying my downtime    I just recently went back to work as a personal trainer after being off for 6 months.  That was a blessing to allow myself to spend more time with my husband and daughter, we bought our dream home and now are just having fun making our house into our forever home. 

Bodybuilding through the pandemic...

Firstly, I apologize for such a tremendous gap in my blogs.  I literally have 7 drafts typed of material I have been waiting to publish, but as times change so do topics.

Here is a boring blah synopsis of my daily life (skip this paragraph for less bordem),

So currently I am sitting in my home- Week 3 of quarantine, laid off from work, let me remind you that in my mindset ( Every job that brings money to the table to support a family is essential for that household). getting stir crazy, the appeal of television, social media, and electronics have far surpassed the boredom stage.  My 10 month old daughter and husband are by my side and we are trying to cope and handle each day as it comes. As the weeks turn into months, slowly we begin to adjust to this new form of life. New schedules to adjust too, household projects finally getting completed and you probably can lick every inch of my house with the amount of deep cleaning that I have accomplished. 

Now for me to get on my soapbox, please remember that these are my personal opinions and observations. They are from me personally and not from anyone else, please do not take offense if you don't agree, just stop reading and move on with your life...

For those of you who have been following my journey to my professional status as a women's physique competitor  I have been in show prep now since the 2nd week of January , so about 14 weeks.  Before prep I was working on my post- mom body and was dieting hard from June 2019 - December 2019 - 6 months.  I have a vision and a goal this year to go pro and with all of my shows pushed back it has been an intense mind-fuck and a new depth of mental strength that I had to dig deep to find within me. 

Bodybuilding has been my life for over a decade, it pulled me out of my clinical depression, it has helped me into recovery from bulimia nervosa, my self-esteem has increased,  and overall it keeps my life whole. It keeps my life moving forward with a purpose, drive and passion and now I find myself lost.

I think their are many of you who find your escape from the problems of the world through the weight of the iron. The simple peace and simplicity of zoning into another dimension of inner strength and diminishing the problems of the world for a brief moment help reset my sanity daily. 

When the shelter-at-home order was issued my depression set in immediately.  I cried, I was angry, I hated the world, I hated the governor,  and I hated the media.  Everytime I turned on the news I was sick to my stomach.  I knew though that I had to adapt, as I learned that the orders to stay at home would be months long before we could resume our normal lives I had to begin adjusting and creating a new routine.   So we (my husband and I) created a gym in our garage, we started changing the reps and weight ranges around, I had to change my mindset around into the mindset of adapting and overcoming and knowing that my body could still stay tight and preserve muscle during this quarantine.

Let me remind you that I am still in prep. 14 weeks of dieting and another 14 weeks to go (as long as my shows aren't pushed back) and that is the most mentally grueling of it all. Not knowing for sure if there is an end in sight, when is the end? When will my show go on? When can I train normally again? How will I be able to afford everything? 

Call me selfish or call me whatever but when your life is completely disrupted in a moment and all you want is it back ...its hard. Its hard because you don't know the severity of this epidemic. What are facts and what are lies? My family is not going irrational from this pandemic. We aren't hoarding shit,  we aren't wearing masks in public, we aren't wearing gloves and touching everything on the shelves with the same pair of gloves only to find them littered in the parking lot later.

COVID- 19 has fucked us. It has fucked you, it has fucked me and it has completely taken over the world with a post apocalyptic type feel as we all feel grounded in our own home.   Shame on all you extremists for hoarding all the supplies, ranting bullshit over Facebook, and wearing masks and gloves while you are driving (you look like a fucking idiot), I officially hate you.

My husband and I have started to create a daily schedule that we attempt to follow to help us get through our day to day basis. It definitely helps, but its not ideal.  It's not the way life was intended to be and its not what I want . Everyday I visualize my stage body, I keep accountable with check ins from my coach, I keep snacks and temptations out of my house and Every. Damn. Day.  I work towards my future.

The only way that us bodybuilders will get through this is to keep going: Adapt, Visualize, and absolutely let no one outwork  you. When we are released from quarantine make them stare.

I'll post another blog soon. Xx

Sidenote: please remember to keep your monthly gym payment going . We need to keep our gyms alive and financially healthy so we have a home to go back into. 

Post Pregnancy

If you haven't heard the news, God blessed our little Angel, Adley Rose Baxter, into the world on Monday, May 20th 2019.   4 weeks early (late term preemie) surprise that

immediately brightened our lives.  The most eye opening experience for me being a new mom is how we do not give mothers enough credit at all.  The first week home the days, the hours and the minutes blurred together.  Night and Day meshed into one continuous day and soon enough Adley was already 1 week old.

However. Although my bundle of joy is a precious gem and I love being her Mama - My mental and physical health also are on the mend. I am young mother and gained an upward of maybe 20lbs total (and no stretch marks) during my pregnancy, my body definitely is not the tight bodybuilding body I am used to.  The drop of protein I did not eat throughout my pregnancy made my muscles softer. My thighs rub together and my stomach is loose.  For a first time Mom and bodybuilder, its devastating.  I am not going to even sugar coat it.

But now the real fun has begun my new task of working, getting my personal gym time in and being a mom.  Its a whirlwind of emotions and there are days I forget to eat and do my cardio.  However, this new transition and phase in my life is also showing me that life happens, events happen and although its not always the most enjoyable journey back, I want to prove that it is possible. Being a personal trainer and online nutrition coach has allowed me to interact and get to know individuals with tons of different life challenges, body goals and lifestyle ambitions.  Being able to be on my own journey through weight loss and restructuring my body back to how I want it to be is going to allow me to have an even more in depth perspective of the challenges and struggles that everyday individuals face.

My husband and I currently have a semi-structured routine in which allows us both to get a decent workout in and prep our meals for the week.  Another challenge that is not mentioned is the amount of calories and types of calories that a mother needs to be ingesting during the times of breastfeeding, my god- if you want to see your weight drop, forget to drink enough water and eat 3 square meals for a day and the pounds literally fall off, between hydration and eating enough for my child - it is a workout in itself with a child.

Here is my two cents for this new experience of being a mother- your mental health is most important.  How you feel about yourself, the overwhelming needs of reassurance that you are doing a good job as well as trying to create a stable routine for your family is a job in itself. I have made sure that I set aside time for myself daily to make sure I can handle what is being thrown at me for the day.

 Now onto the dreaded discussion of breastfeeding.  I will be honest, I didnt want to but the medical field really pushes -And I dont mean a slight suggestion,  they literally force you to breastfeed your baby when they are born. Now I am not against breastfeeding, its a beautiful connected bond for mother and baby. Not to mention the health benefits the baby gets from breastmilk is literally customized to them. That being said- waking up every morning to meet with the dreaded pump used to latch onto my boobs and pump them slowly until they look like deflated balloons is not a moms finest moments. Especially because I did not take maternity leave. I went back to work 5 days after I gave birth. So the new stress I had was keeping my milk supply up while at work. Pumping between clients; Spending hours in a room waiting for this machine to pull out each ounce of milk it could grab. It was lonely, it was stressful and my life literally became nothing besides working and pumping. I was overly stressed, tired, worn down and completely  over pumping. Not to mention on top of that postpartum depression quickly set in for me, making it difficult to take care of myself.


 So why was I doing something everyday that made me feel like a cow?  Literally milking myself down to feed my child.  I couldn't do it- I just stopped, and you know what happened? My stress went away- I focused more on my daughter and not stressed about pulling ounces of milk from my nipples.  7 weeks into the pumping mess and now I am free to spend time with my family and feel refreshed. I have no regrets and breastfeeding is unfortunately just not for everyone. I am the Mom that tried and that's all that matters.

So now I am working back to getting on that IFBB Pro Stage.  I am able to train harder - eat for fuel and making sure my daughter is healthy by giving her formula that has all the essentials she needs for growth.  I am happier this way, she is happier this way - and at the end of the day, how I choose to raise my daughter is between my husband and myself.

As I continue my journey back to the stage I have my 2 biggest supporters by my side daily, my daughter and my husband. I am focused on each day and ensuring that I am bringing my best mental state to my family as I continue on this road  to recovery.

2.5 months postpartum 

Oh S#!t. I am that Bodybuilder who Got Pregnant.

So if you haven't heard the news by now, I am pregnant with my first child. My husband and I are blessed with this miracle as I have been told since I was about 11 that I would never be able to birth children due to the extensive damage and Infertility damage I caused with my bulimia nervosa.

When I first found out the news,  believe me I was in shock, I still am to an extent. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that in 6 short months I will be a Mom. As exciting as it seems, here is the fact. I am terrified of becoming a mother. I am terrified of knowing my life has to change. From everything,  I have known and loved to do now has a change of priorities.

For 8 years now I have been a competitive Bodybuilder. I have trained intensely, I have changed my diet and supplementation, I have financially drained myself to compete and mature on the competition ladder and now everything that I have worked for is halted for a moment. The thing that is most scary to me is knowing that my body is changing. Knowing that I have to put on weight, knowing that my boobs (that amount to about nothing) are now tripling the size, that my abs are becoming soft as I am creating life and my body is changing into something that is hard for me to accept.

Some individuals who read this article will call me selfish and ungrateful for the complaining and worrying I am doing for my physique, however as an individual who struggles with body dysmorphia,  it is in fact very hard for me to  accept the changes coming my way, but I am taking it day by day.

After discussion with my doctor,  coach and husband. I am still training as intensely as I can without causing detriment to the baby. I am following my diet as closely as possible and I am beginning to baby myself a bit in giving myself some time to relax and embrace being pregnant.  As time goes on I know I will have to take it easier and understand that gaining weight is in fact part of growing a human.

I have been up numerous nights thinking about how my life is going to change, terrified I will be a shit mother and terrified that I will never be able to bounce back to the life I have known on stage and in the fitness world.  I have realized though that all life changes are scary.  What is life without risk? Without Change? Without getting out of the comfort zone?  It is a challenge, a blessing and a setback all at once.  I am blessed to grow this wonderful human and show and teach them all the world has to offer. All in time I will overcome my fears and insecurities of being a mother.  I know that as time goes on and it gets closer to meeting my new human that my ideologies and mindset will change and I know that I will get even more excited to grow my family.

For me, I correlate pregnancy like an offseason/bulking season. You can eat more food, train harder, limit your cardio and put on weight.  I will take this pregnancy and treat it like a controlled off season. Working out hard, eating right and ensuring that I do everything to keep my muscles and baby growing.  Once June comes around, I cannot wait to prove to the world how even as a mom, you can bounce back from a baby, step on stage and become an IFBB pro.


How has life been for me currently? Let's see, watching your stomach grow slowly into a hard lump that starts to slowly protrude out of your stomach is terrifying. Legging are my wardrobe of choice (but let's be real, they always have been) , my appetite has definitely increased, but the cravings have been kept to mostly fruits and salads, not to say that I havent had some chicken nuggets once or twice.  Currently I am up about 5lbs at just under 18 weeks. My weight now just hovering around 168-170lbs. Which for me use to be my offseason weight. So not stressing too much about the weight yet. I am loving naps right now, the immense tiredness is unreal. By 2pm I am completely exhausted and literally have to take a power nap in order to function the rest of the day.



Currently I am training about 5x a week (about 45min sessons) and cardio almost daily, my calories have been hovering around 1400 daily right now.

Current Bench: 225lb
Current Squat: 315lb
Current Dead: 225lb


In comparison pre pregnancy I was training 7 days a week (about 75-90min sessions), taking a rest day about every 12-14 days,  cardio about 4 days a week, with about 2000cals daily.

Pre Preg Bench: 315lb
Pre Preg Dead: 405lb
Pre Preg Squat: 455lb


Lots of changes and lots of goals to look forward to moving forward, I just get to share my journey with my new family as I get back on the road to pro once this new miracle happens to our family.

Offseason as a Female Bodybuilder

**NOTE: Please remember this blog is based on my personal experiences and opinions, all individuals may or may not experience of feel the same way about this. **

As I have made mention before and many individuals understand that the shredded physique of an onstage competitor is almost physically impossible to maintain all year long, (however there are those few genetic freaks that are capable).  It not only wreaks havoc on the overall health of the body but can cause issues with the metabolism, hormone imbalance and a slew of other health hazards without allowing the body to heal from a contest depletion state.

So I often get asked "What is it like to go from stage lean, to a softer physique?" Honestly it's a mix of pure hell mentally and a feeling of relief and relaxation. Let me explain...

Dieting for 20-30 weeks (Yes, my coach diets me a little bit longer than a standard prep) into a single digit bodyfat percentage and slowly reversing back into a healthy weight and fat range is complete mental fuckery. It messes with your head and the thought of getting additional fat added back onto the body you have worked so hard to deplete is exhausting. Each year I always think it will be easier to adjust to an offseason and each year I find myself more critical of myself compared to the following year.

The fact is though, that's why this sport of bodybuilding is so challenging, because you have to add fat and water weight back onto your body frame to improve for the next season. You have to allow your body to heal and recover from the extensive damage that it has gone through during prep and without recovery and trying to hold onto the consistency of remaining lean can cause detrimental affects (as previously mentioned above).

So the truth is - for me personally, as well as many of my close friends who compete, the first few weeks post show are the worst. You constantly are checking the mirror to desperately hold onto the last few reminisce of the shredded abs that enveloped your stomach for the last few months. You try to excessively do cardio to retrieve back what you lost and the feeling of your clothes getting tighter on the body causes unhealthy obsessions with the scale and dieting. Sometimes I hide behind baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants to hide my weight gain. It's a rough transition and some competitors will do one show and the post show mental health will be the end of the competing days.

As I mention in almost all my blogs, competing is a choice, it is a privilege that not all of us can do. It is NOT a sacrifice, it is an overly expensive hobby that many of you who are reading this (including myself) find a sense of purpose with. It is a sport that test your mental strengths just as much as physical and at the end of the day we spend thousands of dollars to step on stage and pay for the opinion of an individual who tells us we are not good enough. Think about it,  I know it's a tough truth to read. It's not a positive thing, nor a negative thing. It simply is a fact of the sport.

So once off-season weight is on and the additional fat is put back on there are many positives to being in off-season.  For one, the diet is much more relaxed. Now I am not saying I can eat whatever the hell I want day in and day out. Most competitors like myself, work with a coach both on and off-season to utilize the additional weight and fat gain for overall improvements in the physique.


Off-Season Positives :

- Your strength significantly increases
- Your mood is 1000% more stabilized
- You have much more control over time management
- You feel a sense of balance in your life
- Saving some additional money


Off-Season Negatives :

- Gaining weight (fat and water)
- Tighter Clothes
- Feelings of "Lack of Purpose (aka regimen/routine towards a goal)
- Post- Show Depression (aka Post Show Blues)



The worst thing that personally I deal with during my off-season is when people are stunned to see that I am not stage lean.  Some of the things that have been said to me over the years (through my years of competing during my offseason):

- "How did you get fat so fast"?
- "Are you sick"?
- "Are you pregnant"?
- "I thought you competed"?
- "Do you not bodybuild anymore"?
- " Why did you diet so hard, if you were just gonna put the weight back on"?
- "Are your pictures photo shopped, I thought you were lean and muscular"

More so than not, females get this more due to women having a higher estrogen level and genetically carry more fat compared to males. I have developed thick skin in the public eye when it comes to comments.  I typically don't let anything overwhelm me until I get home, then I typically tell Kyle (spouse) who then tells Bill (coach) and then they both work their magic to make me semi levelheaded again.

 Now I do have to make a note that the comments above have been over the years of competing. My first ever show I did the infamous binge on everything for about 6 days straight after dieting.  I put on about 30lbs in those 6 days and it was the absolute worst feeling ever.  However after working with a proper coach and having the ability and privilege to compete year after year my off-season is much more under control but it is still a struggle putting on those first few pounds post show.

<<< My First Off Season Post Show @ 200lbs
<<< Stage Weight 145lbs 

My Third Offseason Pre Show @ 187 lbs >
Stage Weight @137lbs >>>>

 <<<My Sixth Offseason Pre-show @ 165lbs 
<<< Stage Weight @ 130lbs

My Seventh Season stage weight @ 120lbs >>>>>

Offseason @150lbs >>>



As you can see from a few of my past years of competing it takes time for your body to adapt into a controlled offseason. Be patient and know that each year your body will change and adapt a little differently towards your goals.