The Brutally Honest Truth Of What It Is Like To Be a Female With Muscles.

I have brought it up a couple of times in a few of my blogs about how society creates a certain image that creates a false picture in society's circle of what men and women are supposed to look like, how they should dress, even down to the gender roles within careers and households.  This. Is. Absolute. Bullshit.

From a young age I was always into sports and took over a tomboy type.  I was stockier growing up, I had larger muscles and while girls were wearing skirts and tank tops, I was hiding my thicker body under sweatpants and oversized T-Shirts.   I got teased a lot in elementary school.  I was called "Mannon" and "Shan-Man" because of my muscular and boyish look and I can honestly say I was ashamed of how I looked.  I held more fat around my thighs and mid section, I had incredible strength at a young age and at the age of 8 I could run a mile under 7 mins.  But none of that made me feel accomplished, I was embarrassed of what I could do and as most of my followers, fellow blog readers and friends know I developed bulimia nervosa at the age of 9.  To read the entire backstory of my bulimic struggles please click here to read my previous blog post discussing my challenges with my addiction with my body.

When I started my bodybuilding journey sometimes between 2011-2012 I slowly began to appreciate all that my body did for me.  I loved seeing the muscles grow, I loved see muscles in my stomach and arms grow and become more prominent.  It made me feel accomplished and the harder I pushed myself, the more my body changed and developed the more I began to gain confidence in how I looked.  About a year into my training was when the comments began to start towards me.  They started out minimally but I would constantly hear things like "Don't get to much muscle, you will start looking like a man," or "What happened to your boobs, they shrank, you are starting to have a man chest."  Little comments began to pile up.  The harder I trained in the gym, the better I felt about myself.  But the harder I pushed, the harsher society began to judge me.

Now almost 7 years later this is my life.  I walk into stores and people stare and whisper.  I get asked weekly if I am a man or a women.  Sometimes people ask me if I am transgender or lesbian.  I still have boobs and an ass but to society that is not enough, my muscle are not within the societal norm so people judge without knowing my story.  If I go to the grocery store and buy candy the cashier will ask if I should be eating that with a physique like myself.  Imagine yourself going into a store with gym clothes on after a workout and trying to grocery shop and all you hear are whispers, watching people stare at you (and some may I add, will not stop staring even after you make eye contact with them).  People treat me like an animal, coming up and squeezing my biceps and touching my muscles.  Ummmm, hello?! When the hell is it okay to touch random strangers bodies without their permission. I have been made fun of on snapchat, Instagram and numerous websites because of my looks and you know what after dealing with this judgmental bullshit for years I have created a thick skin and take it with a grain of salt. I get anonymous letters and messages sent to me how I am fake and look disgusting and that no man will ever love me.  I get hate mail and love mail and everything in between.   I have more individuals blocked on my Facebook and Instagram then I have followers and friends.  Instead of responding to negative comments I simply block them and move on with my life.  People talk and comment behind my back saying that I run testosterone and tren because of the size of my muscles.  Unless you are an individual who understands the science, the discipline and the passion that competitors like myself have for the sport, you will never understand the diet, the extreme workout routines and cardio sessions it takes to be able to pack on and maintain muscle.

Clothes shopping is another issue that I find myself struggling with.  I am not going to lie the older I get the more I realize how important dressing for the occasion is crucial.  As a bodybuilder, it is very difficult to find clothes that fit my body.  Jeans have to be super stretchy for my quads, and a belt is always needed to keep my pants from falling down on my waist.  Plus size shirts for women are the only sizes that fit my arms and back for women's clothing so sometimes I just browse the men's clothing section to get better fitting shirts.  I can dress feminine when I want to, I work in a gym so being able to wear gym clothes is the most comfortable setting for myself.

Its not all bad, not even close.  I love being able to show off my muscles and what I have worked so hard to sculpt over the years.  I am always ready to wear a bikini and the summer season people tend to be a bit less judgy and a bit more impressed.  Not that I give a shit what society deems acceptable for physique stature.  Having muscle has grown my personal training business significantly, I have a degree in health science and nutrition as well so I practice what I preach and understand the science behind how the body works. At the end of the day I am happy with what I have accomplished.  I am 25 years old and still have a full life ahead of me.  I have a goal to become an IFBB pro, I wont stop until I get to that level.  I get check ups regularly to monitor my health, I have a feminine as f**k looking face and I am no longer ashamed of my intrinsic and unique look that makes me stand out from societal norm.  I do normal adult things like pay a mortgage, stress about bills, feed my cats way more food then I should so they stop crying,  I pray and seek help from God in times of need, I have stressors and obstacles and there are days I feel fat and bloated (like any normal human feels).  We all have good days and bad days.  The key is to be able to live your life for yourself and find happiness with your life, everything will fall into place from their.

To all my haters and all my supporters- thank you .  You All make my life very interesting.  All my love. Shannon