I have Bulimia Nervosa and Yes, I am a Bodybuilder.

I am very open to all of my followers, clients and friends about my eating disorder.  I have struggled since the age of 9 with bulimia nervosa.  After endless amounts of therapy, hospitalization and doctors appointments that did not help me overcome my eating disorder, I reverted to my own personal mental strength to suppress and find another outlet in hopes to help reduce my illness.

From a young age I always had self-esteem and body issues.  From the age of 6 on I was dieting and exercising in attempts to alter my body into a way that would would make me happy.  I can tell you that losing weight does not make you more happy when you have an eating disorder, it only reverts your behaviors even worse.  By the age of 13, I was bingeing and purging 16-18 times a day, and as a result of that I now have 8 ulcers in my esophagus (that eventually will require surgery).  When I started high school, I reverted into even worse behaviors I joined the high school cross country team and right away my cross country coach told me in order to be faster I needed to be thinner and again I dieted even harder, I over trained my body to an extreme, logging 15+ miles a day in order to compensate for the constant bingeing. After 4 long continuous years of fighting with my eating disorder it finally took a toll on my body.  My senior year of high school I broke my leg, immediately ending my running career.  I broke my leg in gym class, my bones were so weak and lacked the essential nutrients that I wasn't letting my body absorb, after that I fell into clinical depression. 

For months I crutched around in a cast thinking of ways that I could start running again.  My parents had a pool and occasionally I would slip the cast off and get some mobility into my leg but it wasn't the same. I was barely eating because I feared getting fat because I wasn't exercising.  By the time the cast came off 8 weeks later my muscle had atrophied tremendously.  Visualize a toothpick and a tree trunk, that's how my legs looked.  Immediately, I joined a local Snap Fitness down the road from my parents and began regularly lifting weights to try and put the muscle back onto my toothpick leg.   My body image now was extremely low, I thought I looked like a freak.  I covered my entire body in layers and layers of clothes to compensate my symmetry.  I feared being judged and criticized and more than anything I wanted my legs back to normal.

The longer I lifted at the gym though, the more I became aware of just how much my body was capable of.  I quickly put my muscle back on but even more so I began to enjoy lifting and seeing how heavy I was able to lift.  Soon I began looking into bodybuilding and about 1 year after my injury I decided I wanted to do a bodybuilding show.  There was only one problem, I was going to have an issue following a diet and keeping food down.

The trainer I worked with started me out with a very simple IIFYM diet.  The first three weeks were hell.  I struggled to keep food down, I cried and prodded my body daily.  There were nights I would sit in front of the mirror with scissors in my hands contemplating whether to just cut all the fat off my body.  Then something amazing happened, my body started reacting to the diet and reshaping my body.  I was losing weight while eating and I was eating a good amount of food.  3 weeks into my diet I stopped vomiting.  I did a 12 week prep for my first show and through the first prep I had 3 episodes with my bulimia.  3! Compared to 16-18 daily, that was a hell of an improvement for me.

However, my trainer at the time, was not knowledgeable about reverse dieting so after my show I ate everything in sight.  I gained I believe 20lbs in a 36 hour span.  Now I do think that every bodybuilder goes through the initial post show binge after their first show, then slowly they begin to learn how to integrate reverse dieting back into their regimen in order to stay healthy.   It was at that moment, stepping on the scale post show binge that I realized that in order to keep my bulimia repressed I needed a goal and I needed a solid diet with direction.

My Current and Permanent Coach, Bill Tocco of War Room Nutrition, has done a hell of a job with me to say the least.  Bill works with me both on season and off season and gives me particular meal plans that I need to follow.  My refeed meals are planned and executed to prevent binges and overeating and has helped me mentality as I continue to grow as a person.  Now having the bodybuilder mentality and having far and less frequent bulimic episodes, in order for me to be successful in this sport the food has to stay in and I have to eat the exact amounts given.  The regimen and routine has made me successful in both my recovery for my eating disorder as well as in the bodybuilding world as a Women's Physique competitor. 

I have also learned successful tools to help me during my preps in order to not sabotage the work I have put in.  During prep season, anytime I am triggered and have an urge to binge I drink a ton of water.  I just start chugging water until my stomach is so full I cant physically put anything else into my mouth.  If I am able to have vegetables I eat those.  I chew gum.  I avoid any foods that are triggering and keep only prep safe foods in my house and fridge at all times.  If Kyle {fiance} wants something to eat thats not on my diet he hides it in the house or makes sure that he eats it away from me.  For off-season prep I am able to be a little bit more relaxed and I make a ton of sugar free jello and keep that on hand.  I make a super thick protein shake, something dessert flavored like Titan Nutrition's Chocolate Crave (Use Discount Code SHANNON for 20% off to give it a try).  I also freeze my protein and mix it with natural peanut butter to give it an ice cream consistency.  Those are my few simple tricks that will work for not only people struggling with eating disorders but also for you who struggle with food cravings during your seasons.

I will say that the longer I compete in this sport, the more comfortable I become with my own body.  The more proud I am to see how far I have come and how much further I can go.   One day I will be an IFBB Pro.  I want to be able to look back at where I came from and where I am at that time and be proud that I made it.

Now I am not going to lie to you and say that everyday is awesome.  Everyday my eating disorder is in my head and everyday I have negative thoughts.  However, visualizing my goal and where I want to be helps me keep my head on right.  I can't say that I will never have another bulimic episode, but the further and fewer times that they occur, the better that it will be for me.

Thanks for reading my very personal blog tonight.  xo

If you need help or know someone who is struggling visit NEDA. They are a excellent organization to help you help yourself or someone you know struggling to get the help that they need.