"You Are Not Fat. You Have Fat. Also, You Have Fingernails, But You Are Not Fingernails".
Post Show has definitely set in for myself and I am feeling the pressure of remaining lean and at a maintainable weight as well as fighting constantly with my bulimic behaviors. Some days I think to myself "Screw it I will just get fat and Kyle will still love me," I know its pathetic but I also want to enlighten you for a moment as those who have never competed or struggled with an eating disorder understand how the mindset of someone like us works.
Having an eating disorder at such a young age and finding bodybuilding to help alleviate and save me from the destructive behavior has been a blessing and also a mentally draining mind fxck as well. Basically because the eating disorder behaviors never go away they just are reconfigured into whatever hobby is taking more control over your life. Having an eating disorder is a job, you struggle day in and day out with self hate and letting food and numbers determine your self worth and happiness. The relationship is a challenging yet comforting one for those of us who deal with eating disorders. Food is continually separated into categories of "good foods/ safe foods" and "bad foods/fat foods" Basically the deeper you get into the eating disorder the safe food list grows smaller and more restrictive and the bad foods list grows longer and longer. The calorie counting, weight on the scale, sizes of clothing are all seen as numbers and basically determine your worth when struggling with an eating disorder. The smaller the number the better you are; remember this is the inside thoughts of myself and those struggling with eating disorders, not thoughts within normal society. As I moved my eating disorder tendencies into the sport of bodybuilding I realized that although the sport is consumed by food and exercise it is a way that is more routine and regimented. Weight still plays a large part in the sport and so does calorie and dietary restrictions, however for me it was a much safer way to enjoy my life and be able to develop a better body confidence.
Many of you read my blog post about struggling with my bulimia nervosa, but now that I am post show and going through the holiday season it gets rough. I apologize now to any of you who get triggered by anything I am about to describe. Post show for me is the worst, the mirror becomes my sanctuary and biggest truth for me. 4X daily (at least) I am checking to see if my abdominal muscles are still visible, I stress over my weight and make sure I am still maintaining a reasonable off season number and I also try as hard as possible to stay within the reverse diet that my coach gives to me. It is a tedious and mentally draining process. As the numbers on the scale fill up, I feel like a complete failure as an athlete, person and competitor. I pinch and prod my skin and it begins to fill back out with water and fat. I do a lot more crying then I need to and I begin to feel ashamed of myself. Again, this is all part of my eating disorder and my post show mental state. I also hate myself for craving food that I so desperately want to eat but know that I shouldn't because it is not on my off season reverse diet.
Another problem that I want to bring up for me personally is that typically I begin my preps much sooner and they are much longer then a standard competitor. As many competitors diet anywhere between 12-18 weeks, my preps typically are 25+ weeks. This is both because (1) I tend to hold more fat in my off season and (2) I am genetically blessed to have a very good amount of natural muscle that we attempt to hang onto, so doing a much longer prep allows me to conserve much more muscle . I am allowed refeed meals, however they are very controlled during prep season as my coach and I always plan out what I will be eating for each meal. As for post show I try and find balance, and I am going to be honest with you, dieting and restricting for that long, for basically anyone, but especially someone like myself struggling with bulimia, a binge and purge episode is fairly common for myself post show. Basically without getting to graphic, anything that I am craving throughout that day I consume massive amounts of it to the point where I am uncomfortable and then forcibly allow myself to purge (vomit) the excessive amount of food out and aid the rest using laxatives. Typically after about two binge and purge episodes my body feels like shit, I am mentally and physically drained and I am emotionally tapped out. I understand 100% this is not normal, I also have seen multiple therapists as well as rehabilitation services however, eating disorders are a challenging addiction to overcome. Unlike a person addicted to drugs, a person with an eating disorder has to eat to live. When you are addicted to drugs you can put the drugs in a box and hide them away (metaphorically), when you are addicted to food, you cannot avoid food, you have to eat to live.
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| This Photo was 2 weeks post show 3 days after a binge. I thought this photo showed my fat rolls, my leg fat, my sloppy extension placement and all around I hated this photo. However, I wanted to post this to show you the distorted way that my mental state can get as I come off of a show. Sitting here two weeks later, I am not completely disappointed in this photo but still trying to accept it. |
Kyle, thank you so much for remaining supportive through my self hate moments and helping me get my mindset back into a more focused and controlled state. Thank you for loving me in every state my body is in and reminding me that in order to be a champion I must embrace every process of my body and just ooze the confidence that you know I have.
To everyone who took the time to read another personal excerpt
from my life. Thank you for listening. I hope this opens you up to the realization that we all struggle and we all make mistakes and have to try harder with each attempt in order to grow. Please reach out if have any questions I will attempt to respond to each of you.
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