Post Show Truths for a Bulimic and Alleviating the Self Hate

WARNING: This blog post contains triggering words and predicaments that may create triggers for those struggling with eating disorders, please be advised when reading.

"You Are Not Fat.  You Have Fat.  Also, You Have Fingernails, But You Are Not Fingernails".

Post Show has definitely set in for myself and I am feeling the pressure of remaining lean and at a maintainable weight as well as fighting constantly with my bulimic behaviors.  Some days I think to myself "Screw it I will just get fat and Kyle will still love me,"  I know its pathetic but I also want to enlighten you for a moment as those who have never competed or struggled with an eating disorder understand how the mindset of someone like us works.

Having an eating disorder at such a young age and finding bodybuilding to help alleviate and save me from the destructive behavior has been a blessing and also a mentally draining mind fxck as well. Basically because the eating disorder behaviors never go away they just are reconfigured into whatever hobby is taking more control over your life.  Having an eating disorder is a job, you struggle day in and day out with self hate and letting food and numbers determine your self worth and happiness.  The relationship is a challenging yet comforting one for those of us who deal with eating disorders.  Food is continually separated into categories of "good foods/ safe foods" and "bad foods/fat foods"  Basically the deeper you get into the eating disorder the safe food list grows smaller and more restrictive and the bad foods list grows longer and longer.  The calorie counting, weight on the scale, sizes of clothing are all seen as numbers and basically determine your worth when struggling with an eating disorder.  The smaller the number the better you are; remember this is the inside thoughts of myself and those struggling with eating disorders, not thoughts within normal society.  As I moved my eating disorder tendencies into the sport of bodybuilding I realized that although the sport is consumed by food and exercise it is a way that is more routine and regimented.  Weight still plays a large part in the sport and so does calorie and dietary restrictions, however for me it was a much safer way to enjoy my life and be able to develop a better body confidence.


Many of you read my blog post about struggling with my bulimia nervosa, but now that I am post show and going through the holiday season it gets rough.  I apologize now to any of you who get triggered by anything I am about to describe.  Post show for me is the worst, the mirror becomes my sanctuary and biggest truth for me.  4X daily (at least) I am checking to see if my abdominal muscles are still visible, I stress over my weight and make sure I am still maintaining a reasonable off season number and I also try as hard as possible to stay within the reverse diet that my coach gives to me.  It is a tedious and mentally draining process.  As the numbers on the scale fill up, I feel like a complete failure as an athlete, person and competitor.  I pinch and prod my skin and it begins to fill back out with water and fat.  I do a lot more crying then I need to and I begin to feel ashamed of myself.  Again, this is all part of my eating disorder and my post show mental state.  I also hate myself for craving food that I so desperately want to eat but know that I shouldn't because it is not on my off season reverse diet.

Another problem that I want to bring up for me personally is that typically I begin my preps much sooner and they are much longer then a standard competitor.  As many competitors diet anywhere between 12-18 weeks, my preps typically are 25+ weeks.   This is both because (1) I tend to hold more fat in my off season and (2) I am genetically blessed to have a very good amount of natural muscle that we attempt to hang onto, so doing a much longer prep allows me to conserve much more muscle . I am allowed refeed meals, however they are very controlled during prep season as my coach and I always plan out what I will be eating for each meal. As for post show I try and find balance, and I am going to be honest with you, dieting and restricting for that long, for basically anyone, but especially someone like myself struggling with bulimia, a binge and purge episode is fairly common for myself post show.  Basically without getting to graphic, anything that I am craving throughout that day I consume massive amounts of it to the point where I am uncomfortable and then forcibly allow myself to purge (vomit) the excessive amount of food out and aid the rest using laxatives.  Typically after about two binge and purge episodes my body feels like shit, I am mentally and physically drained and I am emotionally tapped out.  I understand 100% this is not normal, I also have seen multiple therapists as well as rehabilitation services however, eating disorders are a challenging addiction to overcome.  Unlike a person addicted to drugs, a person with an eating disorder has to eat to live.  When you are addicted to drugs you can put the drugs in a box and hide them away (metaphorically), when you are addicted to food, you cannot avoid food, you have to eat to live.

This Photo was 2 weeks post show 3 days after a binge.
I thought this photo showed my fat rolls, my leg fat, my sloppy extension
placement and all around I hated this photo.  However, I wanted to post
this to show you the distorted way that my mental state can get as I come off of a show.
Sitting here two weeks later, I am not completely disappointed in this photo but still trying to
accept it. 

I have accepted that I had a relapse in my recovery this past month and I have made it a very hard attempt to try harder as I recover and accept that everyone has their struggles.  Life is full of struggles and temptations, up and downs. How we as humans utilize those experiences and overcome from our struggles to create triumphs is what make us grow as individuals.

Kyle, thank you so much for remaining supportive through my self hate moments and helping me get my mindset back into a more focused and controlled state.  Thank you for loving me in every state my body is in and reminding me that in order to be a champion I must embrace every process of my body and just ooze the confidence that you know I have.

To everyone who took the time to read another personal excerpt
from my life.  Thank you for listening.  I hope this opens you up to the realization that we all struggle and we all make mistakes and have to try harder with each attempt in order to grow. Please reach out if have any questions I will attempt to respond to each of you.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays...

As the holidays are here and for many of us competitors and athletes it's a time to relax and begin an off-season of growth and development to begin conditioning for the next season. I know for some of us it also can be terrifyingly overwhelming to have the freedom to choose what to eat.

I have heard time and time again about the fear of freedom and I am definitely one that also deals with that fear. I have to say though, this is the first year I have come to terms with the holiday festivities and learning what the true meaning of balance and living is all about.

As many of us dedicated athletes and competitors we sacrifice a ton to progress in our passions. We give up holidays, family gatherings, delicious food and other activities in order to be successful in our goals. This is the time to enjoy. I have said it time and time again but we have one life, we all deserve to have a passion and dream but we also cannot forget the people in our lives who have helped make it all possible. Today and for the next month (at least) should be a time to find balance and accommodation to be able to spend the moments with family and enjoying the balance of food and festivities. It is possible to go through the holidays without gaining weight, it is possible to enjoy yourself without full out bingeing.

Make it a point this Holiday season to give back the time you sacrificed with your family. A few tips that I try to keep in mind:

- Keep your diet and food talk to a minimum, unless someone asks , keep to yourself about it.

- Have a normal breakfast and try to eat as normally as possible, utilize the main holiday meal as you would for a refeed day, personally I typically add in an additional 30g protein shake during the day and one pre refeed meal as well to ensure I am getting my protein in for the day.

- Remember one day of eating of your diet won't harm your body in the slightest, you may have a bit of weight gain the next day but it will normalize again within a few days.

- Stay hydrated. Keep your water intake the same or even higher throughout the day.

- If you can get a quick lift in or a half hour of cardio in that day, take advantage of it.

- Enjoy yourself and do not have the slightest bit of guilt enjoying your day. You deserve this.

- Remember the Stage will always be there, your family will not. Remain Greatful and Blessed.

- Remain Thankful and Blessed and have a Happy Thanksgiving!

What Do I Eat? Why Titan Nutrition...

A bodybuilders diet is pretty routine and regimented.  As I mentioned in a previous blog post, each competitor has different seasons, their off season and on season.  For myself and many others, we don't necessarily stop dieting when our season is over, we start by reverse dieting, to integrate our water and carbohydrate levels back to normal and from there we typically will follow a pretty routine diet through off season with weekly cheat meals to allow for a bit of balance.  I also am very regimented with my supplemental intake as well.   I am very adamant  about Titan Nutrition products after being introduced to them while living in Manhattan, KS. I loved the moral and ethical standards of the company, the clean ingredients, the company who cares about the consumers and overall ingredients that they put into the product.  I have noticed significant improvements in my physique since switching over to them and I highly recommend them to anyone who is willing to make a switch.  I promise once you go to Titan you wont want any other brand.


Throughout the day on my off season here are some of the essentials I take.

- Titan Nutrition Multi-Vitamin : Contains horomone support for females and prostate support for males, includes 2000 IU of Vitamin D for calcium absorption, zinc, magnesium, antioxidant blends, digestive enzymes.  This is essential in helping peak performance and ensure your body is getting adequate vitamins and minerals that your body may not be getting enough of.  I take 2 capsules in the morning and 2 capsules at night.

-Titan Nutrition Micronized Creatine 5g: If you are competing then you know how essential creatine is, I prefer Titan because its Pharm grade and one of the cleanest qualities that you can get. Creatine reduces the amount of protein breakdown and increases the size of muscles by pulling water in with along with nutrients for improved function and recovery.  5 g once a day, I like to mix mine with my morning shake, since I have a tendency to forget to take it.

-1tbsp of Sugarfree Metamucil - This helps keep my digestion regulated through every stage of prep, adding in essential fiber, it helps lower blood pressure, and regulates glycemic control.

-1 tbsp of Apple Cider Vinegar - Click here to read, ACV has an endless list of benefits to the body both internally and externally.  Offseason I have ACV 2 a day, once in the morning and once at night.

- Titan Nutrition Whey Isolate Protein - Isolate contains minimal carbs and fats and this particular brand contains a protease enzyme which is added for absorption and anabolic activity.  This is also the fastest absorbing protein which allows large amounts of aminos to be shuttled directly into the muscle tissue and stimulates longer states of protein synthesis.  Isolate also increase nitrogen retention, greater cell volume and better muscle recovery.  I typically have 3-4 shakes throughout the day.

-Titan Nutrition BCAA's - Freeform BCAA's that get directly into the bloodstream.  It has a ratio of 2:1:1 of leucine, isoleucine and valine.  These aminos are shown to stimulate muscle protein synthesis and prevent muscle breakdown during training. I typically try and drink these throughout the day.   

- Titan Nutrition Kre-Ex Pre-Workout - Everyone has their own brand of preworkout they prefer, if you are looking to try something new, give this one a try. Branched chain amino acids, creatine, Amazing energy and kept me clear and focused for my entire workout.  Contains every enzyme, amino and energy that you need to have a full blown pump workout.  Click on the link for full composition of product.  I take this 30 mins before my lifting workout for the day.

-Titan Nutrition Activ8:  I take this in replace of coffee in the morning sometimes in order to start my day.  Gives me energy that is able to be maintained throughout the day without the crash, very mild and not overwhelming, also can be used as a preworkout for those who have a lower tolerance to preworkouts. Anytime I need an energy boost throughout the day, I just give a quick chug of this.


-Titan Nutrition Highly Branched Cyclic Dextrin : This is essential during my offseason.  It helps replenish my glycogen levels after my workout and provided my muscles with sustained energy and fat burning energy throughout the rest of my day.  I take this as an intra-workout with water.

Food Intake:

I work directly with my Bill Tocco, of War Room Nutrition for both my on season and off season diet.  Although I can say that most of us have a staple of eggs, chicken, rice, oats and some other essential vegetables and foods, each individual is different.  Some individuals require many more carbs and protein on their off-seasons while others require less.


If you are waiting to for a sign to get your ass into shape for the new years, or have a goal for the 2018 bikini season, now is your sign.  Shoot me a message and I will make sure you get the best deals in order to reach your goals. 

For all of my blog readers for a limited time: Try any of the Titan Nutrition Products now for 20% off with my discount code SHANNON.

What You See Is Not What It Is All Cracked Up To Be...

Envious, comparisons and competition are all intertwined among the sport of bodybuilding.  I think that a lot of individuals do not realize is that what is seen among social media are illusions (as I like to call them) everything is masked and filtered to some extent.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, we are all vulnerable when posting publicly to a social media platform.  

The sport of bodybuilding is a process.  You have to embrace every stage of the process, that is how it is possible to develop in a well seasoned athlete. This means you have to gain weight and body fat, a body type in which is commonly referred to as "fluffy" in the bodybuilding world.  Then we have our dieting phase as we begin to lean out and cut the additional body weight and fluff off, and finally we have our stage ready and stage lean body.  The process of the sport is a cycle and each phase needs to be hit in order to improve each season.  Many competitors and individuals on social media fail to show each area of prep and creates an illusion for others that it is possible to have a stage lean body all year. For some, yes, I have seen it possible, but for the majority of us competitors we get heavier, stronger and our body composition changes for each stage of prep.  

This weekend I had two photo shoots (I will post photos later).   When you flip open a page and see a model; the media needs to realize that these individuals do not look like this year round.  Dieting, water depletion, exercise and a whole lot of filtering and photo editing went in to make the photo flawless.  I am not by any means against posting photos of yourself in the best light, I am only writing this to make others aware that models, competitors and myself do not look shredded and flawless all year round. Everyone is human, we all enjoy our lives once in awhile. 

When people tell me that they - "Want my body" or " I want your muscles" I always reply the same way, "WANTING TO BE SOMEONE ELSE, IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE."  You are just as important niche in society as I am, we are all equal and make up the constant ebb and flow of how society functions, we need each other regardless if you believe that or not.  

In my bodybuilding journey I try to post as much as I can throughout my progress and transitions through each stage of my prep.  I write this now as I preparing myself to transition into my off season bulking stage. Being accepting and learning that your clothes are going to be a bit more snug, your ass a bit bigger, and your strength a hell of a lot stronger is the off-season acceptance that I enjoy.  Kyle [Fiance] actually enjoys my off season more, he tells me he is able to actually lift heavy with me and not have to coddle me through workouts with baby weight.  My off season allows me to utilize my strengths, hit PR's (personal records) and keep building up my muscles to ensure I stay symmetrical for next prep season.  Each stage of prep is essential, off season is just as important as on season, off season is the only time you are able to really push and build your strength and muscles.

Thinking About Competing? What You Need To Know...

For those of you unfamiliar with competing or are contemplating doing a show I want to let you know a few insights about the costs and preparations that go into a show. The decision to compete is a large step for anyone.  To make that decision, firstly you have to understand that competing is a very individual and costly sport.  You must do most of the prep alone, and sacrifice most of your free time.  In order to be successful I have a few tips of my own that I would suggest, especially for the novice competitors for NPC (National Physique Committee) Organization, other organizations may vary: 

- Research and Interview your prep coach before you hire them: prepping is an expensive sport to begin with, you want to make sure that your coach is someone who will give you their time and are experienced in the industry. You also want to make sure you mesh well, if you don't feel comfortable with them, then do not waste your time.  You will be in constant contact with your coach for the next few months so it is crucial to feel 100% comfortable with your coach.  DO NOT HIRE the cheapest coach possible to save money- with the time and money you put into the sport you want to make sure that you get results from your coach. Prep coaches for a 12-16 week prep typically range from $800-$1500 but you can expect to pay more for longer preps, workouts, etc. 

- Show Registration and Organization Memberships:  Once you have chosen a show you need to purchase an NPC card.  These are a yearly membership card to be able to compete in NPC shows for the current year. The membership fee per year is currently $125.00.  Then once you get your card you can register for the show of your choice, show registrations range anywhere from $125-$400 depending on the type of shows that you do.  National shows are more.  NPC is a ladder that you basically work your way up.  Each competitor starts in the same place at a local National Qualifier show.  Once you place Top 2 in a National Qualifier show, you are then able to move onto national level shows.  There are Jr. Level National Shows and National Shows.  Jr Level National Shows allows the 1st place winner in every category to get their IFBB pro Card, a title that many NPC competitors aspire to be.  In National level shows, top 2 in every category get their IFBB pro cards. 

-Travel Arrangements: Most NPC shows require a mandatory check in and weigh in the night before the show and then the following day the actual show happens.  For national shows, the structure is a bit different.  However in any case, travel costs also need to be accounted for when competing.  Hotel accommodations, flights, car rental etc all need to be taken into consideration when looking into a show.   Those costs quickly add up as well so make sure you budget accordingly for travel.  For national shows expect to spend between $1000-$1500 on travel alone, unless you are lucky enough to live near the show.  

-Budget for food and supplements: Food and supplement costs can add up quickly.  As the staple ingredients for any prep diet is protein.  Expect to pay $80-$100 a week on fresh meat in order to obtain results that you need.  (This budget is estimated on a female competitor- male competitors can be more). Protein powder, vitamins, thermogenics, etc are all additional costs and I make a monthly budget for about $300 for my supplement costs during prep. 

-Food Prep: Food prep will become a ritualistic part of your week.  You will live out of Tupperware containers and I recommend investing in a portable cooler, sixpack bag, fitmark bag, etc.  Any sort of portable cooler to carry your meals around with you. I personally prep my food 3 times a week.  You will also need to invest in a good quality food scale to measure your food accurately.  It will become a norm to bring your food with you and it makes your prep much easier always having your food within reach so you can eat your meals consistently.  

-Time Management: Most competitors do fasted cardio daily during prep.  Expect to get up an hour or more earlier to get your fasted cardio in before you start your day.  Also expect to spend 1-2 hours at the gym to get your workouts in for the day and some athletes have additional PM cardio that they are required to do as well.  So daily on top of everything else you have going on, I would set aside at least 4 hours to spend on cardio and working out, also additional time to practice posing. You will have to give up family and friend outings, late nights and really structure out your day in order to be successful.  It is 100% possible to do a prep while working full time, etc.  I use to go to school full time, work full time and prepped and was able to successfully prep for each of my shows.  

-Gym Membership: If you don't have one, are you sure your ready to prep?   You need to have access to a gym and cardio equipment daily for the next 3-4 months.  Memberships range from $15-$50 monthly on average. (Standard gym estimates, not additional higher end gyms)

-Stage Clothing: Male competitors have a bit of a break on this one as their suits typically cost about $50.  Female suits are much more expensive.  Once you determine your category your going to compete in you need to order a suit.  Suits are typically ordered 8-10 weeks out depending on who you go through.  The suits are made to fit your body.  Suits are a touchy subject with some, suits needs to be appealing to the eye, match your complexion and also not be overly flashy that they take away from your physique.  I have seen suits from $80 all they up to $5000+ , on average for newer competitors I would expect to pay $400-$500 on a suit.  Many suits can be used again and again and altered, bedazzled, etc. Just make sure that the suit is good quality, the last thing that you want is to get a suit that breaks right before you go on stage (and yes I have seen that happen).  If you are unsure about how to go about this contact the company you are thinking about going through and they will walk you through the steps to send in your measurements, etc.  

-Tanning:  Every competitor male and female is required to get tanned before going on stage.  Tanning is typically done the night before the show as a base coat and the final coat is put on a few hours before show time.  You are also glossed up minutes before going on stage to accentuate your physique in the stage lighting.   I would highly recommend going with the tanning company that is sponsoring the show.  It not only is convenient, the company will offer touch-ups and help make sure your tan holds and looks its best the entire show day.  At least a week before show the skin needs to be prepped in a ph balancing soap to ensure your skin will hold the tan and it also avoids turning your skin green after tanning is applied.  Also it is recommended that you shave your entire body before you receive your base coat (yes I said entire body) this means back, ass, hands, arms, legs, stomach, anything that has hair, SHAVE IT.  I promise you it makes a hell of a difference when your tan sets.  The tanning company will also send you directions on how to prep your skin.  They also tell you not to use any skin products a day before your tan (i.e. lotion, deodorant, make-up) as this can mess with the ph of your skin.  Another crucial note.  Tanner stains clothing and sheets so you also need to make sure that you have shitty clothes that you don't mind getting ruined to where over your tans.  The clothing also should be light to prevent any sweating.  A sheet needs to purchased as well (especially if you are staying in a hotel) if you get tanner on the hotel sheets you will get charged a hotel cleaning fee.  So save yourself the struggle and get a sheet to avoid damage. A VERY IMPORTANT TIP: Once your tanner is on, hover above all and any toiler seats when you are going to the bathroom, you do not want a toilet ring around your ass when you are on stage, it is very hard to cover up.  Tanning for local shows typically run $130-$150 (which includes a base tan and final coat).

-Make Up and Hair: This is for the female competitors.  Your body is going to look its best so your face and hair need to as well.  If you have the confidence to do stage hair and make-up well, then by all means save yourself some money and do it.  If you are like me, who have no ability to do hair and make-up you need to hire a make-up artist or get a friend who has experience to do it for you.  Get your nails done or at least throw on some polish as well.  Nude nails with tanning stains on stage DO NOT look appealing.  Hair and make-up typically run about $130-$160 for a show additional $25-$35 for nails.  Another crucial tip when you choose a hairstyle, many females who where their hair down for stage forget to move their hair when they are posing for their back mandatory poses.  Make sure you move your hair, you are hiding your muscles behind your hair.  If the judges cant see your muscles then they cant judge you on them.  If you are someone like me who doesn't want to worry about covering my muscles up, get it done in an updo. 

-Posing: The most important part of any show.  You have worked so hard to get an amazing physique but now you have to make sure you present it well.  Many competitors make the mistake of not getting the proper practice with posing.  You only have about 45 secs on stage to amaze the judges.  If you do not have your posing nailed on stage it can potentially ruin your chances of placing.  Posing can make or break you, you need to make sure you are presenting your best package.  A posing coach will ensure that your muscles are shown in the right light.  Posing practice is a workout in itself and needs to be done regularly from the beginning of prep to the end of prep.  A decent posing costs anywhere from $30-$50 a session, most will do packages.  Some coaches are qualified to practice posing with their athletes so if your coach does, that is a great way to save you money.  For bodybuilders, physique competitors, and fitness competitors, you have a mandatory routine that has to be presented during finals along with your mandatory poses.  So that is also an additional practice that has to be done to a set of music.  So all I can remind you to do is PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!!!! 

-Stage Presence: Along with posing, when you are onstage your stage presence and mannerism also gets noticed.  Make sure you smile and wave at the audience, smile at the judges and smile the entire time you are onstage.  Hold confidence and breathe.  Typically the stage lights are so bright it is very hard to see the audience so your nerves typically will calm down when you realize you cant see anyone besides the judges when you are on stage. 

-Post Show and Reverse Dieting: Typically post show people eat whatever they have been craving.  It is an exciting time for pretty much all competitors.  The problem is, if you are not working with a coach post show and do not reverse diet you will definitely experience the rebound quite quickly .  Your body has been deprived for so long of certain foods and loading them up day after day without slowly incorporating them back in can be detrimental to your health and mentality.  Many competitors coming off their first show can put upward of 30+ pounds in a few days.  Please make sure you work with someone to reverse diet, you will feel so much better and your body will be so much healthier reverse dieting the proper way.  Click here to read more about post show binging and the detrimental affects it has on the body. 


So as you can see competing is costly and there is a lot of additional things that go into prep.  Once you make the decision make sure you stick with it, budget yourself and enjoy the process.  The above is just my personal input on the sport, other individuals preps may vary.  Good luck in your fitness journey!