It's Prep Season, Support Me or Get Out of My Way... If You Are Dealing With A Competitor Read This!

Prep season is upon us and many of my fellow friends and competitors are prepping themselves for their next season of competitions, I am also included with this group.  As we all wrap up the first few months  of the new year and venture harder into our diets and cuts for stage, I always like to make mention of some of the common issue I personally deal with during my prep season, which I am sure some of you can relate too.

My family is very accustomed to my crazy diets for my shows. Personally, I try to warn my family about a month in advance so that they are aware of my food intake, crazy moods swings and constant lack of being present as I begin the daily routine of being at the gym 2-3 times a day.  I am blessed to have a family that is somewhat aware of what I go through and they typically refrain from bitching when I bring my food to family gatherings, heat my fish up in the microwave,  smell the house up with different scents of protein,etc .  So I ask to all of you who are dealing with a competitor in your life, to please keep the complaining and looks of disgust in mind as we try to support our following competitors that have to eat out of tupperware and ziploc bags , we dont love it, we just do it. 

We are routine and regimented. That means that day in and day out for the next 16-20 weeks we have a schedule that we have to stick too. The biggest thing I deal with is individuals bitching that I can't go out with them or all I do is lift and eat.  If you can't support and accept that 3/4 of my year is prep and the other 1/4 is off-season then see ya Chico, Bye Felicia. I chose this lifestyle because it's what I love, I don't ask people why they choose to spend thousands of  dollars on their hobbies and lifestyles and you shouldn't question my happiness either.

Please, please, please don't reoccuringly ask a competitor to taste a food they can't have or say "it's just a bite", "one taste won't hurt your diet", "you won't get fat from eating that plate of food", etc. I have heard it all.  We are already starving as it is, as well as living with a constant caloric deficit and keeping that mindset focused is a hell of a lot easier without someone pushing food in your face that you can't eat.  So as much as any of us would love to jam a plate full of pasta and loaves of Italian bread in our mouths,  We just can't at the moment. We are not trying to disrespect Grandma Pearls homemade pies or Aunt Laverne's walnut brownies, we understand it took time to make them, but as competitors we have visions that are extremely hard to accomplish without perfect consistency.

As a seasoned competitor I honestly have no problem with people eating food in front of me that I cannot eat. Personally , I like watching others eat what I cannot, I kind of just try to savor it through their senses....okay now a quick awkward pause because you probably think I am super creepy now...

Anyways, we are not all like that, especially for the newcomers. If you have someone you know that is prepping and are unsure if the food will offend them or not, just simply ask. I tell people to treat competitors like we have a food allergy (please take no offense to this comparison) and just ask to make sure it's okay to be around certain foods. That's the easiest way to go about that gray area that many people are always wondering about.


Here is a very, very crucial thing to remember. The longer we are prepping and dieting, the more caloric deficit we get . This also means that our brain functioning gets a bit whacky as well and some of us get some intense mood swings...I am definitely included in this- quick relevant story:

Morning of my show my Coach always has me carb up on pancakes. I had to get up at 4 a.m. and the hotel I was staying at for that show unfortunately didn't have breakfast until 6. I have a schedule so I have to have pancakes at that time so Kyle [fiancee] ran to McDonald's and grabbed me some of their pancakes. Well he ordered me the wrong combination.... *cue mental breakdown mega Shan-Trum *... I flipped out on him telling him he didn't support my prep and should just forget about coming to my show and he didn't take my competing seriously, and that he was never allowed to come to a other show because he wants me to fail ....and *cue food in my mouth* ended Shan-Trum completely. ...

So like I was saying we are  bit unstable and on edge, especially during that peak week. So please remember that if we seem a bit more irritated or grumpy just try and be supportive as possible, trust me, I know it's hard but we all appreciate it more than you realize.


In the end, I think I can speak for all of us competitors that regardless how hard or easy our preps are, we genuinely appreciate those who do take the time to help our preps run smoothly and get us closer to our dreams.

Best of luck to everyone heading into prep this season. I'm right along with you, sitting at 15 weeks out from the first show of the year.  Follow me on Instagram @shanisfierce for daily updates on my prep.

Xo Shan

The People Who Started My Bodybuilding: My Journey Fast Tracked

Do you remember how you started your fitness journey? Who was there along the way to help and guide you?

Every one of us started out the same way, we chose a lifestyle change and did it. We all had to start out in a new environment and face the intimidation factor, the anxiety of starting something new and the chance to make a new hobby for yourself.


As each of us go through our journey we meet individuals who support us and guide us into the direction that we are hoping to achieve. I wanted to bring attention to this because as we all go through our fitness journeys we sometimes forget how we got to the point we are at, who has helped us along the way and the selfish factors we have had to get accustom to acknowledging within our lives.

My parents, sister, and brother-in-law have always been on my side cheering for me. Although my parents have finally accepted my lifestyle, it took some time. But the support of my family has been the intial driving force for me to continue with my journey.

When I first started bodybuilding and competing I wanted to do one show to see how it would go. I originally was a runner and my running partner at the time Adam had just gotten into crossfit and had given me a pair of adjustable dumbbells (the good kind, the kind you can adjust the weights). I started doing P90x regularly using those weights and continued running with Adam in the morning and lifting weights at night. I packed on muscle fast with the weight lifting, and seeing how my body reacted, I switched to a gym membership quickly to see how far I could push my body.

 I began training in the gym hard. I had my first personal trainer Mike, who helped introduce me to the art of dieting and nutrition and placed me in a focused mindset and allowed me to discover what my body was actually capable during the muscle growing process. Mike guided me tremendously and within a 4 month time working with him I was able to really understand how crucial proper lifting, consistency and discipline can work wonders with the body.  He helped me develop a love for lifting and it was from Mike the gym and I learned a prosperous relationship.

 My first pictures of my lifting progress. Taken in 2013. 

 I had an amazing lifting partner Shawn (my first real lifting partner) who would lift with me daily, we would push each other, motivate each other and he helped me find my inner strength . Daily we would meet each other and lift, challenging and pushing each other, hitting PR's working on new diets and nutrition together and overall just enjoying the gym in a routine. When I decided to switch gyms , Shawn switched with me and he continued to train with me regularly. He came to my first NPC show and was the number one supporter for me in the beginning of my career and I can honestly say without him I probably would not be where I am today in the sport.

When I switched gyms, I switched trainers and parted ways with Mike and started training with Phill, Kay and Ben. These three trainers together  shaped me into the direction I have taken today. Phill has been my mentor for over 5 years now helping me on and off from posing, dieting, transitions from off-season to on-season and keeping up with valuable insights on his own personal reflection of bodybuilding. Ben was my trainer, I trained with him 2x a week for months and worked on developing my legs and strength and overall physique. With Ben I first squatted 405lbs, I was able to watch as my form progressively improve and my strength increase. As Ben moved on from the gym, I then began working with my beautiful friend Kaylyn. Kay and I went way back as we went to middle school and high school together,  we had been friends for a long time so having a training relationship  along with a genuine friendship made it very easy to train hard with her as she gave me the honest facts about competing.  Kay shaped me for my first show, both Ben, Phill and Kay helped me with posing, diet and overall stage presence and after I won my first overall in Women's Physique I was hooked on the sport. Along with switching gyms I met a ton of new athletes and gym goers who constantly gave me support and motivation of days I wasn't feeling it. Austin and Annette became two pretty important people in my life as I worked out in the new gym. Annette (I will bring her back in later) was prepping for her first show at the time as well so it was nice to feed off each other during our prep. Austin has actually been in my life since I was about 4, we went to high school together, but lost touch until after I graduated and it was there at the gym we reconnected and he became my biggest supporter  and motivator, and he still is to this day.

It was after my first prep I wanted to go bigger I wanted to do a national qualifier show, I wanted to try and save some money and do it on my own with minimal guidance from my trainers and competed in the Michigan in 2015 and won the title of Miss Michigan Physique. 20 weeks later was the NPC National Show and decided I was just gonna go for it and compete. Stupidly, I though I could coach myself for my first National show (it was a poor choice on my part) and 5 weeks out from my first National Show I panicked. One of my Instagram followers and mutual friends actually reached out to me and asked how my prep was going and noticed I was having some issues during my prep and told me to reach out to Bill Tocco of War Room Nutrition. At this time I was pretty much broke, I had spent so much money on training, my registration for the show and my suit (it was a mess, I know) . I didn't even know how I could afford a coach or travel to even get down to Florida. Bill simply said send me your current diet and let's start from there. For 5 weeks I worked tirelessly with Bill reshaping my body as best as I could to step on stage. Now for those of you who don't know, a national show requires extensive prep. It is almost impossible to get a body conditioned to a proper state in 5 weeks time and expect to place in first call outs. I knew that but I still wanted to do it. Bill said we would do a trial together, he worked with me for 5 weeks up to Nationals and as best as he could peaked my body and from that trail we would see if we would be a good fit as a coach and client.

At the time I was working as a Bank Teller at a local bank and one of my frequent customers, Rod, had taken an interest in my bodybuilding and my goals.  After sometime of talking about my ambitions and goals with Rod and how I wanted to go to Nationals but wasn't sure how I was going to be able afford it, Rod simply handed me $200.00 and said "Book a flight to get to Nationals" that gesture alone helped me realize that there are people in this world, when you least expect it, to help push you to get to the next level mindset you need. I booked my flight that night and one week later I was competing in Miami Nationals 2015.

For my first National Show, working with a coach for 5 weeks and I got 3rd call outs, it wasn't the best but it was an eye opener to me about how crucial a consistent coach and training has to be in order to prosper in this sport. From that National Show in 2015, currently and for my length of my bodybuilding career I will be working with Bill Tocco. Bill has been an incredible coach from the start and pushes my body to its limits, has shaped my physique tremendously over the past 2 years working with him and with every coach, he finally has learned how my body adapts to stress, change, water, carbs, etc. A special note out there to competitors jumping coach to coach. Stop. Stick with one and be done. It takes time for coaches to learn the your body and how it adapts. So if your coach is committed to you , just be patient.

Joining with Bill. I also gained some amazing Team Members of War Room Nutrition. My teammate and friend Tommy, who had huge success in the Michigan NPC in bodybuilding is an anchor for the team. Keeping the positivity and motivation going as we all grind it out daily.  Literally anytime of day I can text this man and he will respond with the most intellectual and motivational shit you have ever heard. It makes you want to just drop what you are doing and go workout. Tommy and I get along very well because we both have that genuine passion for the sport and it's amazing to see how far he has come with Bill and how his physique has changed over the years.

Along with Tommy I met my best friend Christy, who has been a frequent training partner of mine as well. She has been my rock through each show, traveling to support me regardless of the distance, lending me suits, doing my hair and makeup when April wasn't able, and just overall being an amazing friend even when she has a zillion other things going on in her life. April, Bill's wife, and the artist behind my stage hair and makeup never seizes to amaze me with her flawless hair designs and makeup for each of my shows. She goes above and beyond with her talents and I am so thankful to always have her to beautify me when I desperately need it. Annette (mentioned earlier) reached out to me about my prep and current coach after she needed a change and she joined with Team War Room and has been a rock and training partner to me as soon as she joined the team.

After joining the team I did my first full prep with Bill and competed in the 2016 Jr Nationals where I got 2nd call outs in the Show. In comparison to my physique, it at the time was my best physique to date and as amped as I was and literally did not think it could get better Bill had me jump into a local show 2 weeks after Jr  Nationals and peak my physique even more. It was at the Nicole Wilkins Show that I met my beautiful friend Janelle, she was new to the sport and doing her Women's Physique debut and for anyone who has been backstage at a show, it's a lot of comparing and eyeing each other up and your mind just keeps doubting you as you prepped to go on stage. I'm very personable,  like to the point where I talk too much, but Janelle and I began to converse and talk about our journeys to the stage and after competing in this show we stayed in touch and now she has become one of my close friends and she helps me through all of my life issues.

Shortly after the Nicole Wilkins Show in 2016 I took some time off to grow and get bigger. I graduated college and was trying to figure out my next move in life when out of the blue I met my future husband, Kyle Baxter.  Kyle and I met through Instagram ( I know crazy social media 20th century story) and after our first date we were pretty much inseparable,  however I made it very clear that bodybuilding was my primary focus. Kyle had no issue with that as he, himself was an avid lifter and Sargent in United States Army so staying in shape, routine and regiment was already apart of his lifestyle.  Kyle asked me to move to Kansas (as that was where he was stationed) and 2 months after we had started dating I did. Before I moved I met with Bill got a game plan and stayed committed to the team, my training and kept in constant contact with him throughout my time in Kansas. First plan once I moved, new gym.



Gym found within 12 hours of moving. The Foundation in Manhattan, KS. My new home away from home and I continued my journey and met a ton of amazing new people who have helped me tremendously through my journey. It was amazing to find a gym so genuine with bodybuilding passion. It's literally like stepping into a place where every person is passionate about the sport and helps and guides each to reach their next stepping stone. That is exactly how The Foundation is. Meeting people who share the same passion makes your goals much more focused and obtainable. For almost a year I trained in a new state with new friends. My physique grew both in size, strength and mentality.

Moving home to Michigan again, my focus never stopped I began prep immediately after getting home and worked tirelessly with Bill and trained with both teammates Annette and Christy multiple times a week to make sure I was on track for prep.
I competed in two more national qualifiers in 2017 with my Teammate Tommy and took first in both shows, requalifying me for a solid 2018 season.

As the 2018 season has began I have huge things on my plate and am focused more than ever on my show and continually pursing that IFBB pro card. As I look back from then to now, if I hadn't met any of these people, in the order I did I would never have ended up where I am now. My past year has been a whirlwind of excitement and I can only evolve from here. I geuninely just have to give thanks to my rocks and motivators through my entire process. Without each of your help, no matter how big or little, it has allowed me to progress into the athlete that I am today.

To My Muscle Babes For New Years! Please Read If You Have A Chance!

To all my muscle babes out there, all of you, from NPC, IFBB, WBFF, UFE, APF, IPF, NAPF  and all the other organizations out there. To all my bodybuilders, crossfitters, strong women, powerlifters, powerbuilders, atheletes, gymrats, fitness models and fitness gurus... This post is for you. From all you natural and unnatural athletes, to the vegans and vegetarians,  keep doing what you are doing , what you are doing for your body takes discipline, it takes commitment and it takes a serious life choice.

This year I wish you the best success in all of your fitness goals.

Beyond that though I wish you this:

1: I wish you the ability to love your body in every form, from off-season and on season and accept the amazing things a female body can do

2: I wish you the utmost health, as some of the training is intense and excruciating

3: I wish social media is kind to you and accepts the muscles on a female is beautiful and takes commitment and regiment to get the strong bodies we work hard for.

4: I wish balance. I wish you all to be able too maintain the balance of life, work, relationships, and training into a better balance so you enjoy life just a little bit more so

5: I wish you compared yourself a little bit less to every other Instagram chick out there  (yes we all do and I know you have) and accept yourself and all that you have accomplished. Also remember as much as you wish to be someone else. Someone is staring at your page wishing to be you. Love who you are,  it's who you were meant to be.

6: I wish you talked a little bit less about the other people around you and focused a little bit more on your goals (we are all guilty of this).

7: I wish you focus on the ones around you and learn to get gratification from real-life people instead of living off followers and likes from strangers you have never met.

8: I wish that you stop letting social platforms determine and dictate your moods based on comments and instead embrace your accomplishments

9: I wish that you find an honest relationship with a significant other who values you more than the filtered Instagram models that you continuously compare yourself too

10: I wish you to be the same person you are in person, online and in different environments . Don't be afraid.

11:  I wish you The ability to hold and maintain motivation and the mental strength and power to endure the training.

12: I wish you positivity and a strong mindset to stop doubting yourself, your ability or your direction in life. You are doing just fine.

13: I wish you keep doing what you love and let no person, no financial situation and no obstacle stop you from success.

14: I wish you all the best.

Happy New Year. 2018 will be one for the books!! Xo

Bodybuilder's Really Aren't Assholes- New Years Tips for Newcomers and Seasoned Bodybuilders

For many of my fit and competitive friends and followers, we all dread the gym rush and population explosion within the gym for the next few months as New Years resolutions are made and newcomers of every shape and size join the gym environment to jumpstart on their new fitness journeys.  As much as many of us may dread the overcrowded gyms for the time being, I am asking everyone to remember your first time in the gym. The  intimidation factor, the lost look you had when exploring how to do each exercise without looking like an idiot, the hopelessness as you compared yourself to the surrounding athletes who have been seasoned in the gym for some time.

Do me a favor, do yourself a favor and welcome the newcomers in with open arms. The thing I hate hearing most as a personal trainer from my clients, is the fact that the gym Intimidated them because of the types of people working out and making comments to the newcomers at the gym.  I spend more time as a trainer helping people get into their comfort zone in the gym, than actually lifting due to the fact that they are terrified of being judged by others.

If someone asks how to use a machine,  take a minute and show them how to use it properly. The overweight person on the cardio equipment? Strike up a quick conversation and offer some inghtful advice to help them stay motivated throughout the year.  The bodybuilding community has a very gray reputation, as some of us are known as motivators and inspirational drivers, others are known as douchbags and ego lifters. Let's keep the positive vibes within the community and show the gyms and people within the community that bodybuilders and fitness gurus are loving, caring and helpful people.

To the current gym athletes - Don't be a stuck up asshole. Don't ego lift or mean mug just to intimidate new members, who knows one day you could be on stage next to them.

For those of you starting your new years with a lack of direction,  here are a few simple tools to get you started:

- Create a goal each week and stick to it. So if your goal is to lift 3 days and do 2 rounds of cardio, keep yourself accountable.  The first few weeks are the most challenging, but if you stay consistent and on a routine your body will adapt and changes will begin to happen

- Find accountability.  If you have some additional money, invest in a personal trainer. They will help you reach your goals faster, help you stay accountable and give you workouts to follow on your own. A nutrition coach also is a wise investment if you have the money, shoot me a message if you need a referral for some great coaches to work with.

- Clean out temptation.  Rid your home of anything that will tempt you from diet destruction. Any foods that can trigger a binge or ruin your diet throw them away.

- Invest in quality supplements and vitamins.  Protein, preworkout, creatine,  Bcaa's and vitamins are essential to helping your body reach the goals (see my blog post on Titan Nutrition) for a detailed description of what each supplement does. Click here to explore, order and sample Titan Nutrion Supplements. They are the only company I use and trust to reach my goals. Use discount code SHANNON for 20% off your entire order.

- Don't give up. Change takes time, consistency and patience.

You Asked, I Answered...

I have had  an outpour of responses from both Instagram and Facebook with certain curiosities about my training.  Here are

some of the most common questions I was asked.

What Carb Ratio Balance do you balance with in your off-season? - A.W.

I don't follow a particular carb ratio balance. Each season fluctuates my carb intake. Currently I am at 70g of carbohydrates a day. 30g with meal 1 and 20g pre workout followed by 20g post workout. My  coach typically plays around  with my carbs throughout the season. I have a very sensitive reaction to carbs so minimal carbs work best for me in order for me to grow each season.

How Old Are You? What's Your Diet? - R.M

Currently,  I am 25 years old, my diet consists of lean proteins like chicken and Turkey. Lots of green vegetable, rice and oats, eggs both whole eggs and egg whites. Whey isolate protein and natural peanut butter. I eat the same types of food year round, however my portions, the number of meals and how I eat them changes.

How Do You Train to get big round shoulders like yours? -P.L

Train with Intensity and Cut off all distractions.

This is my current shoulder workout:
-Seated DB Shoulder Press: 25lb-2x12, 35-1x8, 45lb-1x8, 55lb- 1x8, 65lb-1x8, 75lb- 1x8
- Seated Front Raises: 25lb- 5x10
-Seated Lateral Raises: 25lb- 5x10
- Kettlebell Swings: 25lb- 3x15
- Single Arm Shoulder Press: 35lb-5x8 (each side)
- Row Grip Pull-Ups: 3x10
- Shoulder Press Machine: Dropset- 120lb x8, 100lb x10, 80lb x12, 60lb x15, 40x until failure
- Single Arm Cable Front Raises: 1 set-Burnouts Each Arm 25lb
- Single Arm Cable Lateral Raises: 1 set-Burnouts Each Arm 25lb
- Cable Crossovers: 45lb- 5x25


Is it Tough Dealing with the Stereotypes (Feminine and Pretty)? Do You Even Acknowledge Stereotypes?  - A.M.

After having a larger amount of muscle mass for sometime I am much more comfortable with accepting that I am different than the typical stereotype female. I still maintain a feminine look (although some might disagree) and have already accepted that I will never look like the standard stereotypical female and I am okay with that. I am happy with what I have achieved. My fiance loves me and supports me, I have an amazing team at War Room Nutrition that help push me to my limits and my amazing sister, brother-in-law, and friends who stand by my side and that's all that I care about in regards to opinions.

High Volume Training Vs. Low Volume High Intensity?  When to Switch? - G.W.

During my off-season my current training involves all high volume training 6 days a week. I train each muscle isolated, so I have a solid recovery time between each muscle group before I train again.  This helps me build strength and grow my muscles . During my prep season I always train with low volume and high intensity, I am not looking to increase my strength during my prep season so maintaining my muscles shape and fullness is ideal. Low Volume with high intensity for me carves out detail, prevents injuries and ensures the best development of muacle shape

 Can the same Nutrition plan be implemented for various types of people? - V.B

I am not an expert by any means when it comes to diet and nutrition. Yes, I am educated in nutrition and do online coaching.  However each individual is different and different bodies with different goals require different types of nutritional guidance. So the answer is No, each individual will require a nutritional plan catered to their needs, it could mean the difference of 10g of carbs, etc.  each individual responds uniquely to different types of programs.  That is why it is crucial for competitors to stick with the same coach throughout each season, as your body adapts and changes with your program plan, your coach is able to analyze how your body has responded through the changes and can create beneficial changes as time goes on.

What are your weak points of your Physique? - J.Q

Competitors are always trying to progress but never perfect. My weak areas are my hamstrings and glutes so I train legs twice a week in order to maximize my progress during off-season.


Do You ever eat unhealthy? 

Bodybuilders are regular people too. We have food cravings, cheat meals, and even full-on guilty binges. It's part of life, part of being human. We eat like shit on occassion We crave sweets and carb-laden foods. The difference though between a bodybuilder and a normal person is that we have a limit. We know when its time to diet and restrict are caloric intake and we can do it with a flick of a switch.

My cravings typically involve gummy candy. Let me tell you something, I can eat the shit out of candy. Like $30 worth of gummy worms in under ten mins.

Curious about your workout schedule in all aspects, and kind of related, can anyone get your physique if they put in the work, or is it genetics that make a bodybuilders physique? - M.M.

There is a misconception about training as a bodybuilder that many people have a hard time believing. I'm going to say this as easily as possible.

My workouts are very simple and boring. I do not do crazy workouts or intrinsic type movements. I train hard  and as long as my body can handle. I eat to perform and refeed when I am told to.

My life is very routine and regimented and I live off schedules and routine.  I will say this. My training style involves isolating single muscle groups each workout. It seems to work best for my body and I have had the best success  for overall growth and strength with isolated training.  This may be not  work  best for your body...remember everyone is different.

My current training looks a lot like this:

Sunday: Cardio and Leg Day with Coach Bill Tocco
Monday:  Cardio and Rest Day
Tuesday: Cardio and Back
Wednesday: HIIT and Legs - Hamstring Dominant
Thursday: Cardio and Arms (Both Biceps and Triceps)
Friday: Cardio and Shoulders and Abs
Saturday: Cardio and  Chest with Coach Bill Tocco

My training during off-season involves a ton of supersets with heavy weights.

For example for legs I'll squat 315 for 6-8 reps then superset with weighted walking lunges or Bulgarians. I'll take a nice 2 min break in between and repeat 3 times and then increase weight and continue with working sets until my form gets sloppy.

I 100% believe that anybody can get to the level of a competitors physique as long as they have the time commitment, financial stability and overall goal to step into that lifestyle.  Routine is very crucial to develop a substantial physique so as long as the key elements of training, diet, and rest all line up and are consistent daily along with proper guidance, anybody can get to the physique level that they wish to obtain.  

You Wouldn't Look So Bad If You Cut Off Your Arms

So I'm  sitting here on Sunday night with my family feeling blessed to have so many amazing opportunities up and coming in my life and I happen to see a fresh comment on a social media platform bashing me, my physique and telling me that I look like a man. They also went on to state that I wouldn't look so bad if my arms were cut off but my face still looked like a chipmunk.

Now imagine for a moment that you are in my situation. Imagine all your insecurities are surfaced fro m one social comment and from that one comment every good mood and mindset has just been ruined. That is what happened to me. My mindset and mentality just got crushed.

I think I mentioned before how as a female who packs on a large amount of muscle, I already am self conscious at times about my size and manliness qualities. However as it takes me months to learn to love and accept myself. One moment ruins all the progress. I'm not writing this as a pity party and to shower me with compliments.

I'm writing to make myself accountable. Yes I publicly post photos of myself on social media and yes it does allow anyone on the internet to comment their opinion. It's a comment, as much as it pains me to read from a stranger who knows nothing of my struggles they are entitled to their own words and opinions.

This sport as I have said before and I will say it again has allowed me to recognize how social media and society determines beauty standard and it's absolute bullshit.
I love being different. We each are and as much as one person can bring me down, I'll get back up- Keeping kicking ass and doing my shit.

Thanks for reading my venting blog xo

Shannon

Post Show Truths for a Bulimic and Alleviating the Self Hate

WARNING: This blog post contains triggering words and predicaments that may create triggers for those struggling with eating disorders, please be advised when reading.

"You Are Not Fat.  You Have Fat.  Also, You Have Fingernails, But You Are Not Fingernails".

Post Show has definitely set in for myself and I am feeling the pressure of remaining lean and at a maintainable weight as well as fighting constantly with my bulimic behaviors.  Some days I think to myself "Screw it I will just get fat and Kyle will still love me,"  I know its pathetic but I also want to enlighten you for a moment as those who have never competed or struggled with an eating disorder understand how the mindset of someone like us works.

Having an eating disorder at such a young age and finding bodybuilding to help alleviate and save me from the destructive behavior has been a blessing and also a mentally draining mind fxck as well. Basically because the eating disorder behaviors never go away they just are reconfigured into whatever hobby is taking more control over your life.  Having an eating disorder is a job, you struggle day in and day out with self hate and letting food and numbers determine your self worth and happiness.  The relationship is a challenging yet comforting one for those of us who deal with eating disorders.  Food is continually separated into categories of "good foods/ safe foods" and "bad foods/fat foods"  Basically the deeper you get into the eating disorder the safe food list grows smaller and more restrictive and the bad foods list grows longer and longer.  The calorie counting, weight on the scale, sizes of clothing are all seen as numbers and basically determine your worth when struggling with an eating disorder.  The smaller the number the better you are; remember this is the inside thoughts of myself and those struggling with eating disorders, not thoughts within normal society.  As I moved my eating disorder tendencies into the sport of bodybuilding I realized that although the sport is consumed by food and exercise it is a way that is more routine and regimented.  Weight still plays a large part in the sport and so does calorie and dietary restrictions, however for me it was a much safer way to enjoy my life and be able to develop a better body confidence.


Many of you read my blog post about struggling with my bulimia nervosa, but now that I am post show and going through the holiday season it gets rough.  I apologize now to any of you who get triggered by anything I am about to describe.  Post show for me is the worst, the mirror becomes my sanctuary and biggest truth for me.  4X daily (at least) I am checking to see if my abdominal muscles are still visible, I stress over my weight and make sure I am still maintaining a reasonable off season number and I also try as hard as possible to stay within the reverse diet that my coach gives to me.  It is a tedious and mentally draining process.  As the numbers on the scale fill up, I feel like a complete failure as an athlete, person and competitor.  I pinch and prod my skin and it begins to fill back out with water and fat.  I do a lot more crying then I need to and I begin to feel ashamed of myself.  Again, this is all part of my eating disorder and my post show mental state.  I also hate myself for craving food that I so desperately want to eat but know that I shouldn't because it is not on my off season reverse diet.

Another problem that I want to bring up for me personally is that typically I begin my preps much sooner and they are much longer then a standard competitor.  As many competitors diet anywhere between 12-18 weeks, my preps typically are 25+ weeks.   This is both because (1) I tend to hold more fat in my off season and (2) I am genetically blessed to have a very good amount of natural muscle that we attempt to hang onto, so doing a much longer prep allows me to conserve much more muscle . I am allowed refeed meals, however they are very controlled during prep season as my coach and I always plan out what I will be eating for each meal. As for post show I try and find balance, and I am going to be honest with you, dieting and restricting for that long, for basically anyone, but especially someone like myself struggling with bulimia, a binge and purge episode is fairly common for myself post show.  Basically without getting to graphic, anything that I am craving throughout that day I consume massive amounts of it to the point where I am uncomfortable and then forcibly allow myself to purge (vomit) the excessive amount of food out and aid the rest using laxatives.  Typically after about two binge and purge episodes my body feels like shit, I am mentally and physically drained and I am emotionally tapped out.  I understand 100% this is not normal, I also have seen multiple therapists as well as rehabilitation services however, eating disorders are a challenging addiction to overcome.  Unlike a person addicted to drugs, a person with an eating disorder has to eat to live.  When you are addicted to drugs you can put the drugs in a box and hide them away (metaphorically), when you are addicted to food, you cannot avoid food, you have to eat to live.

This Photo was 2 weeks post show 3 days after a binge.
I thought this photo showed my fat rolls, my leg fat, my sloppy extension
placement and all around I hated this photo.  However, I wanted to post
this to show you the distorted way that my mental state can get as I come off of a show.
Sitting here two weeks later, I am not completely disappointed in this photo but still trying to
accept it. 

I have accepted that I had a relapse in my recovery this past month and I have made it a very hard attempt to try harder as I recover and accept that everyone has their struggles.  Life is full of struggles and temptations, up and downs. How we as humans utilize those experiences and overcome from our struggles to create triumphs is what make us grow as individuals.

Kyle, thank you so much for remaining supportive through my self hate moments and helping me get my mindset back into a more focused and controlled state.  Thank you for loving me in every state my body is in and reminding me that in order to be a champion I must embrace every process of my body and just ooze the confidence that you know I have.

To everyone who took the time to read another personal excerpt
from my life.  Thank you for listening.  I hope this opens you up to the realization that we all struggle and we all make mistakes and have to try harder with each attempt in order to grow. Please reach out if have any questions I will attempt to respond to each of you.